my journal.

I have a very special relationship with my journals.
I mean it's really important part of my life. Part of me actually.
I always make a journal myself. I decorate it I put photos, drawings and quotes, everything. I've been making my own journals since I was like 8, I just love it.
It's a little paper me and I love reading through my old journals thinking how exciting life could be.
It makes me laugh, smile, think, miss, cry...
This is my senior year's journal. It took me hours of work, but I just love it.
Always when I feel down, tired, depressed, lazy or just extremely bored at school I take a look at those pages and...
I just feel the love. Love of my friends and family, love of all the work and project I do, love itself.

[And if you need a new journal / notebook / diary / skitchbook whatever and you feel like helping people, check this out: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=144474276629 !!! ]

a wish to be a big cactus.

Yesterday evening when me and Tyna were going back from downtown we listened to a song and man, that's such a good song!
It got stuck in my head and I just can't stop thinking about it.
Thinking about us, all the human beings, looking for something different, something better, all the time.
Why would flower wanted to be a tree? Why would cat wished to be a bee? Why would turtle wished that it could fly?
Because. We don't know the answer.
We just keep looking and fighting for something better, for a change.
But actually in the end what we get is not exactly what we've always wanted or needed. Life could be really dissappointing sometimes.


And the rattlesnake said
I wish I had hands so
I could hug you like a man
And then the cactus said
Don't you understand
My skin is covered
With sharp spikes
That'll stab you
Like a thousand knives
A hug would be nice
But hug my flower
With your eyes

joy.

We [me and Tyna] decided to make fridays our art days. Cause I really miss painting, drawing, making collages, editing photos etc. I do. I asked her one day if she would like to join me for that. Just to choose a day and spend it whole just being creative. She loved the idea so we bought tons of stuff like skitchbooks, colors, pencils, special papers etc and we started yesterday. It was AWESOME. I missed it so bad. I missed the feeling when you start and you just can't stop. You focus on every single detail, you don't talk, eat, drink, anything. You use all your energy just to create something... I created this.


Like it or not, I do. I didn't mean it to look like this first, it looked much more professional at the beginning, but then I decided to try my very first ink job. And after I finished the black part I decided to add aquarells. For the first time too. And this is what happened. I like it though cause it has a meaning for me.

And yesterday nite we went to that really nice cafe-bar. Just to have a glass of wine and a little chat with girls. MY girls. The best girls I've ever met. Tamara, Tyna and B. And it was something really special because we never usually hang out like this. I mean we've all known each other for a long time but it's never been just four of us. So this was our very first ladies nite after all those years and we totally planned tons of parties. Sushi party, mexican party, halloween party, Prague etc etc... can't wait. Finally girls that I love the most can be all at the same place at the same time. Perfect!

Right now I'm just leaving for the weekend. I'm taking my sketchbook, colors, music, books, camera with the new film inside and lots of tofu and cheese to grill and I'm going to spend two amazing relaxing days with my family far far away from here. I can't wait!

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Love.

dreams.

There are two kinds of dreams. The ones that you have when you're sleeping and the ones that you have when you're awake...

I have my dreams. I love to daydream about what's going to come, about my own little world.
I do believe in my dreams and I'm ready to pay the price to make them come true.



An Awesome Book is one dream that became true. It's so inspiring, it makes me not only dream about it but also actually work hard to make my dreams come true.
The book is a one dream of a man who wanted to make his 5year old son smile at the beginning and at the end there's thousands of children smiling because of that dream.
It's a wonderful story of a very special man and his very special book that helps to
heal the world.


I wish you all could read it and feel the miracle inside.




[Tamara's dream became true. She's starting her new life.
I'm so happy for her even though I'm going to miss her bad.]

A dream you dream alone is only a dream.
A dream you dream together - that's reality.

sheep in the box.

It's 11:24 pm and I've just came home. I took a walk with my dog and my "brother" Petr who lives next door. It's sort of weird how I always get my blog ideas walking my dog. I got one this afternoon but I just felt like I should think a little deeper before I actually write it down.

...

So today that inspiring thing happened when I was walking my dog. I was holding my cup of coffee thinking about what topic should I choose for my english conversation class speech and then that little girl came. She might have been like 6-year-old. She just came and started to talk to my dog in that very special way only children can talk. Asking him how is he doing, how come that he's got such a curly hair or if he's not cold now when the fall is coming?
And that very random moment and that very random girl just slapped my face.
How come that I never talk to my dog anymore? How come that I don't ask him if he's cold or not? Am I old? Can I still see the sheep in the box just like the little prince could?
And when that little girl started to cuddle my dog and giggle just like I always did, I realized that I can.

I still am a little kid asking random questions and squeaking and cuddling strange dogs. I just need time and space to be. Even though I sometimes yell at my sister just like my mum used to yell at me and I could never understood WHY, I still have that childish point of view.
Everything and everyone around me need me to grow up.
Grow up and act like an adult.
But what if sometimes I just don't want to? What if I love being little kid, drinking the glass bottled Kofola and watching SpongeBob???



On the one hand, there's still the little kid inside of Petra Pan, one part of me that simply doesn't want to grow up and face all those responsibilities.
But on the other hand, seriously people, some of you -
try to actually act like human beings.
I mean grown up human beings.
I know I'm not the one supposed to judge, but at least play your act well.
If you act like an adults living in a world of serious problems and serious relationships, just be that serious. Don't do all that childish [should I better use the word JERKY?!] stuff you're doing. It makes me smile sometimes. I found that amazing quote the other night saying that
no matter where or what, there are makers, takers and fakers.
If it makes you any happy living your fake life, just do it,
but please do not drag me into.
I'm so out of this.

Anyways, that's probably the reason why I still kind of prefer the child inside.
I prefer being honest even though my words might sound random and childish.
I do.


Just to briefly highlight things that have made my life little more exciting in the past few days:

Saturday I got to talk to Janka. I really like her, I think she understands me and shares my feelings and opinions.
We didn't start our relationship very well but a lot has changed since then.

...

After Janka left my house I got really depressed. I'm not telling you the reason, I think I should still keep a little privacy and not publish my whole life.
But anyways I was sitting on the floor, watching Felicity [which made me really pissed off] and then Tyna just said "Hey come to my house so we can talk and watch Felicity together and eat a lots of popcorn." And that's how Tyna rescued me for a weekend. I walked through the whole Poruba at 11 pm, but it was so worth it.
We had a really great time, making our first (hopefully not the last) videoblog, watching Felicity, talking and laughing a lot. I'd probably stay home alone for the weekend, dealing with my blue feelings if Tyna wouldn't do that.
I love you Tyna!
[am I supposed to say that I love you back??? :D ]

...

Sunday I bought Kofola in a glass bottle. I know it sounds lame, but it was a big thing for me.
I do not drink Kofola normally. I just don't. But that bottle reminded me how happy I used to be drinking my very own Kofola when I was a kid. I keep buying them every day since then.
My little sister loves it. And I love those moments when we both watch cartoons and drink it and make funny faces. [and if any financial crise comes, I'll just return those bottles.]

...

Monday I went downtown with Tyna to buy some art stuff. I bought tons of amazing things I'm going to use as soon as I have even a little time. We spent an amazing day together again, talking about future, ideas and hopes.

...

And today I got the greatest morning surprise. B. brought me those chocolate Oreos from Sweden. She had an amazing time there and I completely understand her feelings now. But I know we both get better and we're totally doing our winter trip out of reality!!!
Thanks B. you and Oreos made my day.


And thank you my brother-from-another-mother Petr for spending some time with me after a long time that we didn't see each other. We went to the fast food like 2 hours ago and then we ate that creepy caloric food and talked about movies and summer etc. I love my next door brother.

...

And there's that new something in my life. I'm not telling you what kind of something but maybe you'll find out. Maybe not. I don't know what does it mean actually but hopefully it has a meaning.

And tomorrow is the day when we are finally going to find out what's about to happen with Tamara's future. But I think I know already*

[and btw girlie - thanks for making that new something happening]

Tamara.

So here she is.
Beautiful, wise, creative, funny, helpful, always original, honest, artistic and so special.
She's one of those people you keep in your heart, whatever happens.
I know she's always here even if we don't see each other for a long time.
I just know that she's here.

She's going through pretty tough time now. But if everything works out tomorrow, she's going to change her life. Completely. And I know it will. And I'm so happy for her even though it means that we're not going to see each other very often.

I'll cross my fingers for her. But I don't think she's going to need that.. she's just that awesome.

[your dream college is waiting]

dry.

Ok. So after I came back home last night I just couldn't stop thinking about what we were trying to go through with Kevin. [it was Luke 3rd].

Thinking about what do people have to do to be baptized. [I'm not talking about the physical part of it].

My favourite author Don Miller says “Nothing is going to change in Congo until you and I realize what is wrong with the man in the mirror”. He’s so right.

I took my dog for a walk about an hour ago. I just felt like I should go out. I’m not feeling very talkative today. Don’t feel like hanging out, studying or working...

We went to my happy place. Or.. maybe I should better say we went to the place that used to be my happy place. Those amazing green fields where my dog could just run for hours, raspberries, blackberries and black currant everywhere.

I would just take my camera and spend hours and hours there thinking, singing, talking to myself and picking all the delicious fruit. And always when I baked raspberry muffins it just reminded me how happy and free I felt there.

But today when I came.. all the green color was gone. No more grass, flowers, no more blackberries. There was a new built house and the rest of it was all just a dirty dust. It was so… dry!

And when I saw it I realized that the happy place, the other world I had just turned into… a dust.

I couldn’t see it changing because for all those months I didn’t have time to go there to spend a little time in my world. In the world of Petra Pan, the happy little child.

I would probably just hang out, party or chat on facebook/myspace with people I didn’t even care about or just do nothing usefull with boy that was not even worth my time. I didn’t care about people I loved, I didn’t care about things I loved, I didn’t even care about myself.

And then.. standing there in the dirty dust I got it.

Those people I love and I would do anything to help them whenever they need me to, they are not on facebook, not in Stodolni street club… they are here, in my real life not that far from my happy place. Maybe the real life is not a life of Petra Pan anymore. Maybe it’s just time to grow up and not being a child anymore, maybe not. Maybe I could find a balance and keep a little of that child inside.

But one thing I know for sure is that even though I’ve already started… I’m still going to need a lot of water to hydrate and clean up that dust.

[He said therefore to the crowds that came out to be baptized by him, "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruits in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' For I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham. Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees.Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire."]

525600 minutes.

it's been a year since that day. almost.

a lot has changed. you and I changed.

we've been through a lot.

it was not always easy. we laughed, we cried, we fought, we changed.

but some things never change.

i love you B.

[fall 08 / Ostrava / photo by Tamara]

weekend.

Weekend was really busy but very nice though.

I spent the whole Saturday with my sweetest sister Kristyna.
She can always make me smile.
I love when I ask her if she also has those stupid problems with dumb people and she says
"Well I do. With Natala. She stole my Pokemons the other day!!!"

We played SpongeBob cards, Pokemons and saw the UP movie in 3D which was just awesome.
I know it's lame to talk about it when there's that huge Tarantino mania.
But that's actually the reason why I'd rather watch Pixar.
You should watch it too there's a lots of wise ideas in the movie.

Saturday nite we had a nice girlie party at Tyna's.
Eating pizza, popcorn, chocolate and cookies, playing Wii & watching chick flicks and Felicity series.
I love Felicity by the way.
I really enjoyed that time with Tyna, Ashley, Amy and Wendy.
Especially when I'm sleeping in Peter's bed and he's calling me from another random party at the same time.
I love him being crazy.





Sunday was nice. Very chill.
Church, writing the technical scenario, babysitting my little sister and working on my new journal.
I really really need the new one.
Talking to some new cool people, joining new projects.

I know it sounds cheesy but I love my life.

friday.

I survived my first week of senior year.
I know it sounds nerdy but I like it this year.
I can feel the change being senior.
I love having 3 french classes in one day.

We had a sushi party.
After a long time.
Delicious.
Watching "Being John Malkovich" made me think about my life as it always does.
I love the movie.
I'd love to go to the 7&1/2 floor and just live in John Malkovich's head for 15 minutes.

Sleeping over at Peter's was nice.
And I got to talk to Scott*

thursday.

I had a really busy day.
I love being busy though.
I spent the whole day with Tyna and I got a chance to meet some of my old childhood friends.
We went to that cool photography exhibition in the Bookshop cafe.
I put some pics I like the most.
[Ostrava by O.T.]

hanging out with Tyna always make me feel better.
love. peace. empathy.

Petra Pan's senior year.

It's not really easy to be back.

I still feel a little shocked.
Some people and situations make me feel sick but hopefully everything is gonna be alright.
A lot has changed, something in a good
and something in a wrong way.
I really need to get all the wrong on the way it was.
That would make everything less complicated.
My senior year has just started and I can feel it's going to be busy and exhausting 9 months.
I'm ready to face it though.
Took some extra classes and activities that should keep me focused on what's important now.
I've already started my college application work so hopefully everything goes well.

I really miss my sister now. I really really really do.
And I need to say thank you Jirka.
I'm so glad I have friends who would wake themselves up at 6 am, travel through the whole Prague just to spend 40 minutes with me before my train leaves.
He's that amazing, yes!

And I need to say thank you Kevin for making me feel like "home".
You're awesome did you know that???

And thank you my robocat Tamara and my brother Peter.
You know how to make my day.

Enough of this emotional stuff haha.
I have a lot of work to do and I'm so glad for that. Keep me busy!!!

The big new is that my dance class
"United Colors of DANCE"
is performing at Youth4Youth festival.
October 3rd in Garage Club.
You'd better be there!!!

And hopefully some more Invisible Children event is coming soon!

I should get some sleep now.
Well actually there's a bunch of peanut butter cups calling my name.
yummi.
gnite everyone.

czechaneesse girl leaving country.

Only a life lived for others is a life worth while. [Albert Einstein]

I don't believe in the Republican party or the Democratic party.
I just believe in parties.

A dream you dream alone is only a dream.
A dream you dream together is reality.
[John Lennon]

If you can make a girl laugh - you can make her do anything. [Marilyn Monroe]

A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous. [Coco Chanel]

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest
waiting for others to come to you.
You have to go to them sometimes. [Winnie the Pooh]

The future belongs to those

who believe in the beauty of their dreams. [Eleanor Roosewelt]

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,
but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

Music should be something that makes you gotta move,
inside or outside. [Elvis Presley]

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...
It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival.
[C. S. Lewis]

I spent the end of my summer vacation in Mannheim.
It's in Germany for those who skip geography classes.
I didn't really get a chance to enjoy Germany
cause I spent all my time
in the American world [US Army base].
Which was the point actually.
I miss everyone and everything really bad..
I could write pages and pages about it but you'd probably get bored.
I just need to say "thank you".
Thanks everyone who spent time with me and showed me the new world.
Thank you for being with me
and being there for me...