random.

I love those random things that happen in people's lives. What I love the most is when I find out that my mind is working exactly the same way as someone else's mind. It's probably one of the things I'll never understand.

Some of those things have happened to me quite often lately. Let me explain.

I'll start with yesterday. By the time I was going back home after wonderful time we had at Tyna's (yes I think that having 2-hour-long skype conversation with Irenka -who by the way seemed to me like chilling in the same bed, not 400km away-, eating popcorn, gossiping and having fun is WONDERFUL!!!... and honestly... who doesn't???) I was thinking about how happy I am. Listening to my favourite Bjork's song (which made me and Tyna laugh really loud on friday - we've had so much fun lately!!!) and thinking about everything that is going on in my life I just thought - I need to post some really cool status on facebook tonight (ok I am a facebook addict and I don't care!!!).
So when I came home... the first thing that came to my mind was that "happy" status I posted. Here comes the awesomness (is that an actual word???) of my story... just as I posted it I saw Tyna's status saying "happy" and I thought... oh my gosh that's so awesome!!! We posted the exact same status at the exact same time (well acutally Tyna was like 3 minutes faster but I didn't know cause my facebook is just a little slow with all the updates). And even more awesome is that we were happy for the exact same reason... and we both know the reason.. actually all three of us know, right Irenka? :)



***

Second random thing that happened was the movie I watched yesterday.
I know it's not that random for a lame teenager like me to watch a movie... but this one was somehow special. I mean... it made me think. Which is not the "special" part of it... the special part of it is that it was a cheesy story full of typical american drama and it still made me think.
There was a scene when a really handsome guy came to a bar or café or whatever that was, dressed up like a stinky homeless and he told the waitress "you're very pretty". She said something like "I don't think so..." so he said it again and took off his stinky clothes and turns out he happened to be her virtual boyfriend she was supposed to meet but she ran away because she thought he's too handsome to even consider her being his virtual love. (I really like the quote "If you don't want him to judge you by your look why are you doing that to him???". ) And so they started kissing and blah blah blah... you know.
But... the point is... that was so romantic!!! He came to see her even though she made him waiting for hours and she never showed up. He gave her a rose and told her how pretty is she (no she was not pretty, let's be honest here)... and I ask...
Why do we live in such a non-romantic world??? Why there's no traveling through the whole country? No surprising situations, no spontaneous decisions, no randomness, no romance???
Where did all that go???
Why does every relationship end up (after a certain time) as a "hey let's watch some movie!"??? Why does romantic dinner end up as a "hey let's buy some chips!"???
And no, by romance I do not mean stuffed animals and poetry reading...
I mean the spontaneous romantic randomness that makes two people closer and closer... Gosh!!!


I've been thinking (and talking) about this the whole day and I'll probably will for another couple days... and I'm glad I have amazing girlfriends to talk to at school. Yes I love our crazy discussions! And I love having coffee and smarties mcflurry with David and talking about all that with him... he's a great friend!


***

Third and the last thing for today is very related to both previous. It just happened few minutes ago. I saw that thing... let's call it "THE THING"... that really hurt me. I mean... I kinda expected that and I knew it was coming but even if you expect horrible things to happen it doesn't hurt you less when they're here. So I read THE THING and I felt broken. It just hurt me like a stab. And so I told J. about it on icq, we were talking about it, I thought about it deeply for a while and as I was typing "time to move on" she just sent me "time to move on".
Just like that.
English. No Czech.
Just the simple TIME TO MOVE ON.
And I guess she's right. Very right (ok she's always right, that's why I love her so much).
And so.. it's time to move on. Finally.


And so related to the first thing... I am happy because of many reasons but one of them is that there's a boy in my life. We've spent a lot of time lately... just talking and having fun. And he slowly became from the guy I couldn't stand to the guy I'd tell pretty much anything. He's filling the very last empty space in my life... and I have to admit that he's doing pretty good job.
I don't want to rush anything, my last realtionship was just an enormous mistake and here comes the relation to the second thing actually. I want this to be different. I want it to be somehow special, not just "being in relationhsip" on facebook, watching movies and eating chips. I am not officially in a relationship and I'm not even thinking about it... I just really want to spend more time with a boy who took me to the city hall tower for the first time in my life just to "get over things", who rushed through the whole city at 2am just to see me in my senior dance dress, who can play pokemons and spongebob cards with my little sister the whole afternoon and actually enjoy it.. that's what I want right now! I really do!

Please pray for me so I wont get stupid or crazy or just "myself-ish" and wont screw it all at the very beginning. Thanks :)


***


Btw I love Irenka and Tyna. But I guess you know already.

Btw2 I love B. and J. and Veronika. But I guess that's anoter thing you already know.

Btw3 I love having coffee with David. Not just because he's cool so I feel really cool too sitting next to him.

Btw4 You should watch the Ten Inch Hero. I love it!

Btw5 I'm going to Vienna with J. and her dad. Yes the hot sinlge 40year-old dad with Jaguar car who keeps asking for my number. I guess we're gonna have fun there !!! jk. Well... not really :D

Btw6 Love you my blog followers. Good night!

well.

I really wanted to write some interesting blog.
But I feel completely empty.
I mean... I need an inspiration.
I'm desperately sick, drinking too many coldrex hot drinks, eating tons of pills and falling asleep every hour. Gosh!
I watched a really good movie few hours ago.
But I just don't feel that inspirated to actually write something.
I guess I'm falling asleep again..
I need something BIG to happen. Really. I mean it.
Hopefully my senior dance that we call "ribbon party" will be the thing. Or at least partly.
Thanks everyone who's been praying for me to feel better. I really need it.
Thank you.



I'm uploading some pics... from the past few weeks.
I've been really busy and there's a lots of event I could write about, but I just don't feel like doing it right now. I'm sick :(

But you should know that I rode a horse!!! Yes!!!
And I really love Ashley's kitty called Tilly. Even though I usually hate cats, Tilly stole my heart.
And I curved my first pumpkin. Her name was Cecillia and yes she was a beauty.
And I think (as cocky as it might sound) that the choreography I'm currently working on is going to be really really good one!!!

el-oh-vee-ee.

Friday 13th was TWLOHA day.
Day full of spreading love.
I felt love all around.
When I spent my time in the orphanage with Kristynka again.
When I met all the young life people.
When me, Irenka and Tyna had an amazing time together.
When we danced all night with tons of random people.
When I felt like everything is just perfect.

el-oh-vee-ee.

How are you?

So Kevin asked me very simple question today. "How are you?".
People ask this question all the time. "Hey dude what's up, how are you doin?"
But nobody really cares about the answer. And if they do they expect you to be negative.
This is how it goes in Czech. If people ask you how are you doing you are supposed to say "Mhmm could have been better" or "not really good actually."
Cause if you honestly say "Hey I am great!!! I'm doing really good at school, I have the best friends in the world and my family is making me really happy" it means that you're showing off and you want to make people jealous.
That's the reason why I'm done with howareyou questions.
When I'm doing really bad I usually don't want a lot of people to know. I'm not that kind of person, I don't want everyone to feel sorry for me. And I know people know how to hurt you when you are not strong enough to defend yourself.
And when I'm doing really good.. I need to talk about it a little more than just answer the howareyou question.

But actually I've been thinking about this "howareyou" problem a lot lately.
It's really funny and ironic but for the past few weeks (or even months) I've been doing really good. I mean it. Of course I have a bad days, couple of fights and other problems but if I'd write down my +/- list it would be pretty positive.
But at the same time it seems like my life is a one big bad luck for the past two or three weeks. Seriously!
Everytime I come to the bus stop I see the bus leaving. Everytime!!! I always forget my wallet at home, I'm loosing my keys and my cellphone 2 times a day (on an average), I spent 4 hours in two days waiting in an office to get one stupid certification and they always told me that the system failed, when I'm finally lucky enough to catch my bus I always forget to get off at the right place, I get lost at the places and I have to ask people to help me, my cellphone dies every single time I actually NEED it... it's all creepy!!! But I'm having so much fun. Honestly! It makes me smile. I feel like Jepichodov character in Checkov's play The Cherry Orchard.
It seems to be my destiny.
Yes I don't really enjoy missing my bus three times a day but it doesn't ruin my life (at least I hope) so it's fun.

But let's get to the point. I realized that I am really happy. I mean it. I have a lot of work to do and that work makes me really happy. I enjoy every minute thinking about the choreography I'm working on. I got together the best dancers I could ever prayed for and we have a lot of fun working on it. I have no problem with my family and friends I see their love every single minute and dude that's so awesome! It really is!!! I love when people ask me for help or when they offer me to join some interesting project, I love playing mikado and watching spongebob with my little sister and I love singing and reading her "An Awesome Book". I love singing and dancing in the night when I'm walking my dog. I love bringing yummi things to school so it can make our rough day not that rough. I love my week being really busy, I love not having a day off (of course I need it sometimes but that actually makes it so special). I am just enjoying my life. Not 100% but 10000%. I haven't had a sleepless night for more then 3 months probably because I just always fall asleep immediately after an amazing busy day.
And what breaks my heart is that people are too scared or just to blind to admit that their life is pretty amazing too. That they should be really happy and enjoy every minute of it.

I fully realized this friday. I spent two hours volunteering in an orphanage as every friday.
But this friday I took care of a little girl named Kristyna (just like my little sister).
She is one of the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. She has big blue eyes, smooth blonde hair and an angel face. She's 4 years old and man... she is the sweetest and the most grateful kid I've ever seen. Those two hours we spent by reading books, painting and playing boardgames seemed like ten minutes to me. And when I had to leave her crying and asking me if I'm ever coming back it just broke my heart.
Literally.
Wonderful beautiful child like her was begging me not to leave her...

And I'm asking you. All of you people who keep complaining about your cellphones, about your computers, about your job, about your partner, about your parents...
How are you? Are you really that bad? Would you beg a strange girl to come to see you again cause you have nobody else in this world? No??
Where the heck is the problem then???

I am sorry for being offensive.. but this just breaks my heart. I am not saying that I am perfect. Nobody is. I know I've done a lot of really bad things in my life and some of them are still showing up even though I'm really trying to forget and never do them again. But as one wise boy said "That's my history and I can't change it. It's a part of me."
This is exactly how I feel. I'm really sorry for all the bad things I've done. I am.
I could spend whole day apologizing and it would still not be enough.
I can't change what happened. I could never join those facebook groups like "I hate liars" or
"I hate bitches who cheat" cause I've been there.
But I can try not to do those things again.
Be honest to myself. Be good. Be happy.

And when somebody asks me "How are you?" the answer will be "Great!".
I'm pretty sure about that.

THIS IS IT

I don't know where to start. I hardly breathe, my eyes burn and my stomach hurts.

Let’s start from the beginning. I’m not going to talk about what a MJ fan I am.You could have seen thousands of people saying „I’ve always loved you Michael“ after he died. But honestly… how many of those people loved him when he was called rapist, pedophile,drug addict or jacko wacko??? Think about it.

Anyways… I remember June 25th. It was Thursday. I skipped school that week because of my ear infection but I felt like going out that day. So we hung out with FiHa and 7ish – 8ish pm we decided to get some drink (hot mango juice actually) in the Co Kdyby bar. It was about 9 pm when they played MJ’s The Earth Song. We all started to talk about him and made fun of Petr because of his „I-am-hanging-in-the-door-screaming-like-Michael-Jackson-and-saving-our-planet“ childhood memory and me and Tyna promised one another that the only thing we need to do until we die is to see him live. What an irony.

Few songs later we decided to go to some open-air party in a village outside the town which was really cool, we had a lot of fun, six people in one car going through the whole town and Tyna driving (right after she got her licence). On our way back around 1am my friend Jirka called me. He sounded pretty lonely while he talked about movie he was watching but I was kinda busy trying to keep my balance in the car so I told him to call me another time. Then we went to Tesco, bought some candies and stuff and just sat outside, played Big Buddy and had fun when suddenly my cell started to ring again (MJ’s You Rock My World - I love this song). Jirka again. I thought 'why the heck is he calling me at 2 am???' So I picked up and asked „Ok you must be really drunk or really depressed buddy so what's up???“ when he said „Jackson is dead!“. I didn’t really understand what he meant so I was like yeah dude you’re funny. But then he said I should check out the Internet. I did. I called and texted my closest friends and family. I just couldn’t believe it. All of us stopped talking. Dalík went to buy a bottle of Pepsi but we didn’t drink it.

We just sat out there and didn’t talk just listened to his songs on Tyna’s iPhone.

She drove us all home around 4am and before I fell asleep I told God „Please tell me this is not true.“ It was.

When my mom told me about a month ago that she bought me those tickets to see that big documentary show I thought „ok… it might be an epic fail, simple hunger after money or it might be an unforgettable experience".

You’ll figure.

Well… I sat there at my comfy place in Cinestar. And then it started. Some dancers talking about working with MJ. I knew almost all of them cause those are really the best dancers in the world. And then, the last dancer talking was Misha Gabriel. Oh my gosh I thought. He looks exactly the same as last year when I met him. When I talked to him. When he asked me how does it feel to live in Czechoslovakia and when he gave me his cellphone (t-mob sidekick btw) to save my number there. Just to make it clear it was Street Dance Camp Europe 2008 in Jedovnice Czech Republic. It’s one of the most important events in the world of dance. I was so excited about that and I could tell you tons of stories but that’s not the point now. Misha Gabriel was one of the biggest stars coming. When I saw him at the first time I couldn’t breathe. I just thought „Oh my gosh he’s real. The best choreographer in the world is real.“ Yes he was. He came to our table, sat down and we talked.

I found out that even the best choreographer in the world is a real person. Human being just like me. He was actually high and drunk and when I made fun of him he didn’t really get it.

And then I see him here on the screen talking about how he’s been searching his whole life for something that is worth it. And how this whole experience with MJ is it. „This is it“ he said. The guy I could pretty much have possibly lost my virginity with (I wouldn’t be the only one there by the way) was almost crying talking about finding the meaning of his life. Wow.

[me and Misha Gabriel]

[me and Marty Kudelka]

And then it started. First tone. My body started shaking. His face. I stopped breathing. His words. I cried. I just cried. I don’t know how to describe it. You really need to see that movie to understand it. Whatever you think about Michael Jackson. Whatever conspirative theory you believe in, that he was a freak sleeping in vacuum casket throwing his own kids out of the window… you have to admit that this man was the KING. And after you watch this movie… you have to admit that he still IS.

***

First thing I want to talk about is his dance. I think I could say I know a lot about dance. I love to dance, I love to watch other people danicng, I love to learn new routines and I love to make some too. I saw a lots of amazing dancers, the best in the world. They taught me a lot and nobody could ever take that away from me.

MJ had the best dancers behind his back. Those young people are just amazing. You can’t really believe that it’s „just“ a dance what they are doing. They fly. But honestly… they SUCK. The best dancers in the universe SUCK compared to the King.

Imagine 50-year-old skinny man popping, locking, break dancing in the middle of twentysomething hot guys… sounds funny? Yes. Imagine MJ doing that… WONDERFUL. His pop is not just pop. It’s an electricity flowing through his whole body. His flow is not just flow. It’s a smooth miracle that makes him fly. When he twists it feels like a tornado. I remember my rehearsals before every competition or a show. I sweated. I couldn’t breathe. I was so exhausted that I cried. Yes, honestly I cried. But that was nothing compared to what MJ did. All the spot lights, crazy costumes, pressure about media, fans, money. It’s not a reahearsal, it’s a creation.

He doesn’t move – he creates the movement. He teaches his dancers and they follow him and adore him just „like in churche“. [MJ’s staff quoted]. Even though it’s not their time on the stage they stand down there and watch him, scream and rejoice.

„I love you“ he says. And I know he means it.

Another thing is his music. It’s not just a singer we’re talking about. It’s a musician. He feels every tone and every beat. He feels what is and what is not right and he works hard and repeats again and again until it’s perfect. And by perfect I mean PERFECT. When he sings you never hear any false tone. Any. He says he’s saving his chords and his voice but you couldn’t hear that. You can only hear him enjoying every single moment, creating something unbelievably smooth, musical and wonderful. I’ve always known that the King of pop is a great singer. But I never knew that he could be a guitar player, drummer or a pianist just as wondeful.

***

Third thing is the show. All the dancers, vocalists, band, lighting, costumes… WOW.

It’s not about him only. It’s about the whole world he creates around. Every single song is a different showcase. Every single choreography, background, costume, spot light… it makes you wonder „HOW?“. How is that possible? How is it possible to do that? All those miracles that happens while performing Thriller, The Earth Song, Smooth Criminal, The Way You Make Me Feel, Black Or White or Beat It??? Where did these ideas come from? How is it possible? Is it even possible? Yes it is. Well… it was meant to be.

And the last and the most important thing is MJ himself. According to all those gossips you would expect to see a confused, depressed drug addict who’s deffinately not able to work that show out. But what you see is a strong powerful man enjoying everything he creates. He’s having so much fun, laughing, dancing and making jokes.

But what impressed me the most was his humbleness and awe. Everytime he asks for something or he wants to change something it makes you feel „Hey who’s that guy? Is that the King???“.

It is not very usual to hear one of the greatest musicians in the world saying „Could you please change that a little? Please? Oh thank you. Thank you very much. You are wonderful. God bless you.“

No this is deffinately not the guy we know from the newspapers.

And that’s why people love him. He is so special, talented, hard-working, supportive and inspiring. He would do anything for people around him and especially for his fans. He works so hard to make it not just as good as possible but to make it the best. The best show, the best experience in your life. Every move, tone and word inspires you in every single way. And when he makes his speech to the whole crew and says

„We are family. Just know that. I love you.“

...you know that it’s not just his tongue but his heart speaking.

I am not going to say what an amazing experience the whole movie was. How inspiring, breathtaking and unbelieveble. I just thought… (ok I do not believe in any conspirative theories, I’m sure Elvis is dead and we are not gonna die in 2012)… I just thought he could not die. Not naturally. He was so happy, strong and content. He couldn’t wait to see his fans again, to make them listen, sing, dance, cry and smile. Why would God ever wanted him to die? Why in that time, when he was just about to change the whole world, he was just about to give us hope and faith, faith in God, in change and a new beginning??? I don’t know. Nobody knows. I just know that the man I saw on the screen was not ready to die. He was not ready to leave his work not finished and his fans waiting.

He wanted to change the world or at least try.

I wonder why he didn’t get the chance…

When I heard the first tones of „Man In The Mirror“ I cried so bad. I felt those huge tears pouring down. Tears so hot that my face was almost burning. I have spent hours and hours in front of my mirror trying to make some routine to this song. It’s just never been good enough. And when I saw MJ singing

„I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways“

and dancing his little glassy dance I realized that it will never be good enough.

But I can try. I can try to do something, to take a look at myself and make the change. I’ve already started couple months ago but I’m not done yet. I want that change to be visible, powerful and amazing. I do want to make the world a better place.

And I believe that this is what he had always wanted to do. To help people realize what a wonderful place this world is, how powerful faith and love is…

I wish he got his chance. But maybe this movie is the chance.

„This is the moment. This is it.“

All I can say is – Go. Go watch it!

„It’s all for love. El oh vee ee.“

[Michael Jackson, 1958 - 2009]

bowling.

When I had no one to call
All the world had shut me down
I showed up at your door so blue
Thank God I had a friend like you.

I mean it!

Thank you.
Today, tomorrow, always.

hot coco.

Ok. I've been trying to post a new update lately but my life seems a little too busy. Like today, few minutes ago actually, I just layed on a sofa and I realized "jeez this is something I haven't done for a LOOONG time!".
But now I'm here, rolling in my bed, drinking my strawberry tea and typing... finally!

Well... I had tons of ideas during the week. I mean always when something nice, sad, depressing, awesome or just random happens to me, I just think "ok I need to write about this."
But I'm not.
I got my idea today.
I wanted tody to be my "I am not doing anything today" day. I mean... I thought about coming back from school around 4 and just chilling in my bed, watching Felicity, eating something super unhealthy and yummi. But my life doesn't really follows the plan.
I ended up joining English club at Bishop, having hot pear juice, working on Invisible Children event and shopping with Tyna and hanging out a little with Nikol.
Well... haning out with Nikol was the plan.
It all turned to be a little different.

After we finished our shopping with Tyna and drank our favourite yoghurt coffee I decided to walk her to the bus stop and then go to the meeting with my friend Nikol. But Tyna's bus just left while we were coming so we had to wait for the next one. And then it happened.

I saw a lots of kids walking down the boulevard with lanterns in their small hands all lost in their huge gloves wearing their tiny teeny beetle costumes. And man... I loved it.
But it made me feel so sad. I mean really sad.
I remembered when I was a kid living in that little village in the mountaines where we used to do things like that. When my mom would read me "Little Beatles" book and my sister would teach me everything about those magical beatles and we would just take a long walks in the evening, trying to see them and their little lanterns serving people and serving Lord.
And that was the feeling that sometimes shows up inside of my mind and my body... that feeling when I feel really blue and my body just doesn't really work and I just wish to be at home with my mum and my sisters, drinking my mum's hot coco and feeling safe.


Cause this is something I've missed too bad lately. After all that happened in my relationship, after all that happened with my knee, with my family, with school...
I just really need to feel safe.
If Tyna wasn't with me I would probably cry. I had to reschedule the meeting. I had to go home. I had to hug my little sister and tell her how much i love her and talk to my mom about those little beatles and drink a huge mug of hot coco and eat my mom's apple pie and doodle pirates and robots and flowers with my sister and read her a bed time story and kiss and hug her again... while we were painting I brought us two little bottles of an aloe vera drink and we cheered and painted againg when she just said...

"Hey you know what? We need to do this every day. Every day this time we will just cheer and have a little talk, ok sister?"

She smiled and I could see all her deciduous teeth and those funny spaces among them.
And in that exact moment I realized how lucky I am.


Even though I've been complaining a lot lately. About school, about my no chance to go to APU, about God not being any helpful in that "my future" question, about being hungry, about eating too much, about being too busy, about being super bored at school and blah blah blah. Please do NOT listen to me when I act like that. Just tell me
"You know what DUMB? Get some hot coco!".


Thank you!




Last week in points:

thursday - crazy. crazy crazy crazy. and busy. travelling through the whole city when there's no tram going as it should go. dealing with all those magisterial problems. work. rain. seeing people I didn't want to see. seeing my father who made me as angry, depressed and dissappointed as alway. paying my bills on time [for the first time]. having nice evening chocolate and wine conversation with my mum.

friday - getting those developed pictures I never wanted to develop. buying my favourite wtermelon water to calm down. chilling at Renky's, having fun. shopping with Renky, buying some really cool stuff and having a looots of FUN!!! watching that baseball movie. you know... it was a baseball movie haha. having fun with Renky the whole afternoon and evening.

saturday - library in the morning, feeling very inspired, reading the whole book, making chocolate pretzels with B., drinking mead and reading again.

sunday - baseball game. cool!!! even though we lost the game, we had so much fun. especially thanks to the "french" reporter haha. it was awesome!!!


monday - amazing, I mean AMAZING seminary about North Korea!!! I need to post special blog about that. and bible study with Kevin. which was partly sad, but very honest and helpful. Thank you!!!

yesterday - bible study at Ashley's. Yes I got into a little Juno-ish shape after eating all that salad, pasta, bagettes and brownies. YAAAY! and yes I think the Bread&Fish party at Jesus' ROCKS!!! [especially those 12 Jesus' bros and 5000 random dudes haha].
Thank you Ashley and Luke for being the best cooks
and the best tuesday evenings bible study leaders.

love, petra.