goodbye oh nine.

I have been thinking about writting an 09 resume a lot lately.

Thinking about what this year actually meant in my life.

Was it good? Bad? Weird? Normal? Nothing special???

As I was looking for the right adjective I spent quite a lot of time going through the whole year and I realized that what pretty much made the whole year was Service Project.

The main theme of this year's Service Project was "TRANSFORMED" (yes we got a really cool sweatshirt that says so) and as cheesy as it sounds - according to that I would call my year "TRANSFORMING".

At the beginning of this year I was deffinately not a very good kid. I was dating a boy I probably never really cared about. I was just too lazy to change something so even though I always started those fights he never wanted to break up with me and it made me more and more lazy.

I was really scared about a school stuff because I skipped a lots of classes so I promised to myself not to skip anymore. But as soon as I kinda fixed my school reputation and I successfully survived the first semester I skipped again. Who would had thought that it was my very last skipping. I went snowboarding with some of my classmates and that was the exact day when I broke my knee. I destroyed it actually. And that was how the whole transformation process started.

Believe it or not you realize a lot when you spend your 18th birthday in a hospital waiting for a surgery.

You realize a lot when you hear your doctor telling you that you can never dance again.

You realize a lot when you wake up all sweaty after those crazy dreams in which your accident happens again and again. And you realize a lot seeing who came to visit you while you were literally disabled for more than 2 months.

The only nice thing that happened while my knee was broken was when my boyfriend took me to London. Yes it was a nice week. Probably the only week in the whole 15-month relationship when I felt like I really feel something.

Right after my knee got a little better and I could walk again I went to the Service Project.

I don't need to tell you how much I love spending time there. How good does it make me feel. But this year Service Project meant a little more for me than before. This year's Service Project speaker Craig (I know this is going to sound really really lame but...) he literally spoke my mind. Literally. When he talked about relationships that are not worth being in, when he talked about all the faith stuff and a lot of other things... he even made me cry! Not only that I was laughing super loud whenever he told a joke, he also made me think about my life so deeply that it made me cry.

I also got to know a lot of amazing people I never want to lose contact with. I miss you all, I miss my first ESL group - Maggie, Margaret, Paula, I miss all the dancers - Jason, Camille, Kori, I miss all the leaders and staff - thank you so much for everything, I miss our cool translators group, I miss Scott being crazy and not liking me at the first place, I miss Sean, Bryan, Jim, Dawn, I miss sharing my room with Tyna - extremely funny experience that made us closer than ever before, I miss Nathaniel the chalk board boy who always came late for breakfast just like me and who always knew how to make me smile... I miss it all.

After I came back from Service Project I felt so transformed that I had to transform my whole everyday life. I broke up with the boy I never loved, I started to spend much more time with people who are worth it, I did all the amazing work for the Invisible Children, I set up my very firt big choreography even though it was not easy with my knee.. but as the time went by I started to lose all that Service Project fresh air. I was slowly falling back to the way I used to be and a lot of people helped it. And that was the biggest mistake of my life and I know it. I didn't go to the internship in Germany, I spent a huge amount of money on stupid things, I got back together with that boy, I broke up with him again, experienced things that I am not very proud of and in the middle of the summer I ended up all sick, tired, cheated and surrounded by fake people who lied to me the whole time. Not a good feeling friends, not a good feeling.

I hoped that Service Project in Bulgaria would be the best chance to start over but I couldn't go. Dang it!

But something amazing happened. I went to Mannheim all alone to see all the Service Project kids again and ... that was another episode of my transformation process. I met a lot of amazing people, got even closer with those I knew before, understood a little more about an army life and completely changed my whole point of view.

Considering my life, my friends, people around, future, everything.

And since then I've been living the life I've always wanted to live. I only surround myself with people I truly care about. Most of them are people I've known since I was a little kid. I know they are here for me 24/7 just like I am here for them. I know they are real, I know they live a real life and they don't need to pretend anything. I love them.

I work a lot but it's that kind of work that makes me not only content but also proud.

And that's a really good feeling.

I focus on future much more than I used to before, I believe in my own strenght, I believe that I am the one responsible for what's going to come.

And since this Christmas is over and there's only one day left till the 2010 is here I am very glad to admit that the past 4 months have been the best months of this year, probably of my whole recent life. Of course it's not always easy, of course I've been struggling a lot and sometimes I just feel like the whole world is just a crap but I hear people around telling me that me and my optimistic point of view about life makes them feel much better and stronger. And that's something that always moves me forward.

Even though I don't always feel that strong myself I know that I should make people around me to feel so. I can survive struggling, I would say I am a strong person inside but I don't want people around me to struggle. Because I love them too much.

And even though I lost my father and some other not very possitive things have been going on lately, I still know that the whole life is exactly the life we create.

It's up to us to create it and it's up to us to live it.

And this is what makes me stonger and stronger.

I have been cheated, lied to, forgotten, gossiped, broken (physically and psychically), hurt and punched down, I cheated, lied, gossiped and broke too many times in one year but I have also been loved, cared about, helped, admired and blessed.

And probably the most important thing is that I found out what love is. Now it's not only the friends-family kind of love I experience.

Now it's also the real LOVE. And even though I know it's not meant to happen now and I don't know if it ever will be, I know I am able to have true and deep feelings for someone.

And this is what matters, this is something that has made my life SO worth living!!!

I would love to thank everyone who made this year so special.

All the people I got to know during this year and made even a little change in my life, all the Service Project people, Mannheim people, Invisible Children team, all my friends (I am sure you all know, I hope I'm letting you know enough), Young Life people, my family, my class... and I would love to thank everyone who's been helping me to make my dream future becoming a real future. Especially my mum, my sisters and Ron and Marci from OWU.

Thank you everyone. I wish you happy happy New Year full of amazing dreams coming true!!!

And thank you year 2009 for moving me to this exact place and state of mind.

It was not easy but it was deffinately worth it!

Goodbye 2009.

Hello 2010.

what to do.

So... few days ago we had a sleepover with Tyna. Really nice one. We made those cool journals, we skyped Martin (yes man he's funny even through skype - his summer photo literally laughed our a**** off), baked muffins and had fun in general. In the morning I slept like a little baby while Tyna had some meetings and when she got back home 10ish we had a breakfast. In bed (as weird as it sounds, bed is an important place in my story).
So we ate some cereals and muffins, drank our coffee and talked.
Kinda deep conversation considering the fact that I just woke up.

In the middle of the conversation Tyna asked me:
"Hey! Seriously... what are we gonna do in our lives?".
I looked at her and I was like "What do you mean... save the world of course!"
And she was like: "Yeah sure... but I mean like... seriously..."
And then I got it. What if we keep dreaming. What if Africa is just one big dream. What if San Diego is just a big dream. Oklahoma. Travelling the world.
So I said: "Well... we might get stuck here. Be like normal people, living normal life, having a regular job, car and a partner we don't really love but we don't mind living with... and keep dreaming about those things we used to dream about when we were twentysomething. About saving the world. But this is not gonna happen. This is just something that scares us to death. So let's keep it secret!!!".
We kept talking about what we need to do. How we should stop the whole procrastination thing. Stop rolling in a bed and wake up and DO something!


Yes, DO is the key word. I mean I keep writting down my "TO DO" lists. I have tons of them in my room. In each of my journal there is at least 10 pages of "what to do" (considering the fact that I have three different journals it's kinda scary).
I even have those tiny teeny sticky papers and I keep sticking them all over the place just not to forget what I need to do.
But... honestly... it doesn't matter how many lists do you write, it doesn't matter how many journals, notebooks or agendas you own, it doesn't matter how many people pressure you to do it - it is ALWAYS up to you. You are the one and the only person who can do something about it.
And I really want my dreams to come true. No. Want is not the right word. I need my dreams to come true and I am SO READY to pay the price to make them come true.



Here comes the thing. Since me and my father got in a big fight (yes really big one) I decided that I don't want anything from him anymore. I really do not want to be a little spoiled girl, I want to stand up on my own feet and be responsible of myself. So... I'm not getting new shiny sweet MacBook. Not until I make the money to buy it. I am paying my crazy phone bills for myself (I know it's not going to be easy but at least it will teach me to calm down), I'm taughtering extra two college students since January to make three times as much money as I make now. So please!!! If you are my true friend... do NOT ask me to join you for a lunch, massage or not even a coffee... at least not in January. It is going to be a rough month. I have an astronomical phone bill to pay and I would love to manage it on my own without asking my parents to pay for me.


And... another thing is - I'm done with the "to do" part. I only want to do the "do" part.
Of course I still need my journals and my tiny teeny sticky papers. But this time I'm going to actually DO what's written on the TO DO. I know this sounds a little new years-ish but this has nothing to do with New Year's. This has a lot to do with me.
And since there is an actual chance to go to OWU and really DO IT, I feel like this is what I need. Really. And even though I'm going to pay my bills by myself and maybe staying home alone friday night cause I wont have the money to party the whole night, I know that I'm not going to stay all alone by myself. I know there's someone watching over me. And this is a great relief. Much better than the material one.


(Just to finish the morning story... in the middle of our conversation Tyna fell asleep. Very very asleep. So I took a shower, cleaned the place a little, wrote a little message for Tyna and went home working on my dance classes music. It felt really good.)

Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it.

Christmas no1

There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you...

angels.

my angel-ish life in points:

- Advent Full Of Angels - amazing!!! awesome!!! wonderful!!! great!!! not only that the dance I set up was (almost - let's be a little modest) perfect but also everything else worked out!!! worked out??? man we ROCKED!!! yay for the Invisible Children Czech Republic!!! (yes it all makes me really proud. getting people involved, getting all the money, listening to the powerful people admiring our work, reading Ami's letter... it seems like all the hardwork is finally paying off).



- me being an angel - I love St. Nicolas' because it's like really old and Czech and one of my favourites! it's not as commercialized as St Valentine's day or Halloween and that's why I love it. the only sad thing about this year's St. Nicolas' was that I didn't get any candies, fruits not even potatoes or coal. my mum just gave me some money and said that I'm too old to spend the whole day waiting for St. Nicolas. it made me feel sad but when I saw my little sister enjoying all the candies she got in her stocking I realized that this is the important thing - to see her happy made me happier than all the candies in the world (and yes I saved my body from thousands and thousands calories :). monday after the St. Nicolas' weekend me, Nath and FiHa guys went somewhere outside the town to do a St. Nicolas' show for a bunch of little kids... and as Filip told me "it's so obvious that you love kids so much"... I enjoyed it a lot!!! I was a little angel and my legacy was to make all the children smile and give them candies. I loved it! they thought I was a real angel and it made me feel like I really was one :)

- lost angel - Kristýnka the little princess I've been taking care of for the past three months in the orphanage - they just took her away from me because of some stupid mistake that somebody else made. I had to say goodbye to her and saw her crying for me. I miss her so much. I got a little boy to take care of instead of her. his name is Samuel and he's a sweet kid but he's just a little too young so I can't talk to him a lot, he never talks to me, he keeps screaming and jumping and running around so after two hours with him I feel like a lemon.. with no juice inside. I hope to get my little angel back and if that doesn't work I need to pray for myself to be strong and learn how to work things out with Samuel the wild kid.

- angel of my life - my little sister. for the past few days she's been the only person I can fully rely on. she makes me smile during our popcorn and Kofola parties while adults are gone. she takes care of me now when I am sick again. she cuddles me when I feel sad. she gives me all those cute little gifts to make me feel better... I've been going through some rough things lately and she's the only one who knows and cares. yes she is an angel. a real one!

"We are like children, who stand in need of masters to enlighten us and direct us; God has provided for this, by appointing his angels to be our teachers and guides."

- Thomas Aquina

find your own way

and DO IT!!!