diggin' the dancing queen.

I had a really really bad mood Tuesday when I came home in the evening. I listened to all those really depressing songs sitting with my head in my hands and I felt like... like a completely empty bottle. Before I went to sleep I wrote that creepy list of things that are worth waking up Wednesday morning. Apple pie, wine with Adam, coffee with Tom, books to read, IC screening etc... not the longest list though.

I couldn't sleep the whole night. I was just rolling in my bed struggling with all those depressing thoughts and trying to fall asleep when then, suddenly at 3:23 am I got a text message. I felt like - oh God this had better be a bad joke.

I opened the message and it said "Diggin' the dancing queen. I'm thinking of you."

Yes I got this crazy message at 3:23 am from the most amazing person in the world, Tamara. She really is that awesome. We never had a fight, I was never mad at her, I was never even close to be, we never lied to each other, she always tells me the truth even if I don't really want to hear it (which for me is the point of a real friendship), she is always here for me no matter what time is it just as I am here for her, but... this was different.

We didn't really talk since Christmas because I knew she was all very busy with her school projects and finals and so I just didn't feel like making her life even more difficult. But for some specific reason she texted me at 3:23 am while I was seriously thinking about how wonderful would it be just to never wake up again. She didn't (and she still doesn't actually) know what is going on with me, I never told her, but I just feel like she knows. I just feel like she is the closest person even though she's so faraway.

I never responded that message. I never said thank you. This is my thank you.

It took me quite a long time to write this because I just didn't know how to write it so that it wouldn't sound stupid. But for me that message honestly was a sign. One big reason to wake up few hours later. Because I knew there is someone who cares even at 3:23 am.

And every day I feel like there is more and more people. Closest people who show me their care, love and interest every single minute. Thank you, everyone.

And thank you dancing queen because you are... super special!!!

(I got another late night text message last night. Very unexpected one. It was not Tamara this time. It was another very special person. And there were another lyrics in the message. But to be honest - it didn't make me feel as good as the last lyrics-sms. It made me feel confused...)

lunch and work.

This post has no actual meaning.

It has no meaning at all.

Maybe the only thing I wanted to say is that I love what I am doing.

"The only way to do great work is to love what you do."

[Steve Jobs]

despite the rumours.

I am doing IC screening tomorrow after a long time. The last screenings I did on my own were in April so it's been a long time since then. I didn't really know what to prepare, they just told me what school and class am I supposed to come to so I just wrote down some random notes just in case. And while I was writting my notes I looked for more and more information. I kinda talked about those crazy "feeding camps" in Nigeria and Mauritania on my facebook and now I found even more alarming facts about what is going on down there.

For example the situation in Sierra Leone (I do not mean the conflict, I mean the fact that every 8th pregnant dies there because of the situation in hospitals), child soldiers in Liberia (I strongly recommend you to read the "Stories" book written by Jan Sibik) and I think I do not have to mention Sudan, Congo or Uganda. When I first got interested in what is going on in Africa (after I read an article about genocide in Rwanda in my arts class like 7 years ago) I thought it can't be any worse there. But with every research read, every essay written and every documentary seen I feel like it really IS worse and worse. And of course it is not only Africa. I just finished reading a book about situation in China, about the crazy Mao cult there, about everyday life of normal people.. and it was just crazy. Almost as crazy as the lesson I got about North Korea (I strongly recommend you to read the "Stories" book again). I just started reading a book about the situation in Morocco and I am very excited. But of course I can't forget about Haiti.

It feels a little special about Haiti to me. When I talked to Jocelyn (my friend I met two years ago) this spring, she told me about the missionary work she's done in Haiti and since I was really interested she said - "Whenever you'd want to go to Haiti, just let me know." And as my college situation and everything seemed a little unstable I thought I should really let her now. Wouldn't it be amazing to do great things in Haiti next year??? After I watched the "Ghosts of Cité Soleil" documentary I just felt like I should do it! I felt like Haiti was the place to be!!! But Christmas came, I finally got in touch with OWU and then the 2010 started and I sort of forgot about the Haiti idea when suddenly I just watched news and saw what happened.

It made me cry. But not the way that Indonesia and Sri Lanka did. This was different. I knew (from the movie) how the country looked like. And I saw how it looks now. Some people would say it couldn't be worse. Now you see - earthquakes approved that it can. It is. And then in the middle of the news I realized that Jocelyn mention Haiti couple times on her facebook. I checked her facebook wall and it was full of questons like "Are you alive? Please let us know." etc.

It made me feel terrible and yes, I have NO IDEA how Haiti people feel. But I know that we all can do a lot to help. It might be sending text messages, it might be making bigger donations, it might be flying there as a doctor or nurse (American Airlines are transporting any doctor or nurse for free), whatever you want to do to help - you can. There always IS a chance. So please stop joining stupid facebook groups like I pray for Haiti (it makes me laugh sometimes - do you realize what does the word pray mean???) and if you really mean it just do something. Think about all the people there, not only casualties but also doctors, nurses, soldiers, missionaries, whoever had the courage to stay there despite the warm safe home waiting for them in a completely different country.

(And btw my friends Jocelyn is ok. She survived. She is now continuing her life in Haiti. She is my hero.)

I am now going to finish my notes, head it to bed and hopefully I'll do a good job tomorrow and maybe I'll make a tiny teeny little change in this world.

You all have yourself a good night and please whenever you feel down or depressed - try to think about all those people in Haiti, North Korea, Uganda, Congo, Somalia, Iraq, Sri Lanka... I am not saying that we (western people) don't have the right to feel down, I just want to say that even though we sometimes feel lost and desperate, we still have lives those people can never even imagine to have.

I am not writting this for no reason - doing orphanage work and IC have been literally keeping me alive lately.

I hope you got my point. Good night.

these are photos I stole from Jocelyn's facebook (sorry Jocelyn I am such a thief) :

And these are some of my favourites "quotes" that I think fit perfectly to my post:

"This country became a caricatue long ago. A caricature of communism. A caricature of Stalinism and the cult of personality. A caricature of itself. An insane caricature - more Stalinist than Stalinism, more communist than communism, more stupid than stupidity itself."

[-Stupid Beyond Stupidity-, Pyongyang, The Democratic People's Republic of Korea, 2005]

"But which of the children who should be sitting on a bench in a classroom is a rebel? Which children are fighting for the government?? Who or what decided this??? On which side of the river did each child play before the fighting started???"

[-Children at War-, Liberia, 2004]

"Despite the rumours I still am a part of generation that cares about others"

[I heart]

To be honest... I wish nose goes or rock paper scissors could solve all the problems.

Woudln't that be just way better than wars???

baby it's cold outside.

[-12°C/10 F]

distance and time.

One of my friends just sent me Distance and Time song and she was like "Hey this is an ideal song for you!!!". She was probably right. I was like yeah whatever but as I kept listening to it and thought a little deeper I realized that the song is pretty much (as creepy as it sounds) all my life. Not only the first plan of the song (you might think you know what the distance and time mean according to my situation - but - do not take me wrong - you have no idea).

After past couple days I feel like it's not meters or miles or inches that make the distance so distant, there doesn't have to be an ocean to make you feel faraway. Sometimes the person sitting next to you feels like thousand miles away. And it hurts especially if that person is someone who once used to be the closest and you feel like there's anything you can do to bring it back. I think I got stuck in the middle of space-time. I got stuck and I just wish I could jump (years) back and fix what I screwed. But that's not gonna happen and it probably is the right thing. You never realize until you lose.

The past week was an extremely rough one. And by rough I mean rough. I just saw things literally falling apart and I felt lost in the middle of nowhere. I tried to hide it, but I am just not such a good actress. I don't feel like talking about it. I don't feel like posting it online. I don't feel like giving you lessons about what really matters and what doesn't so you wont end up like I did. So please do not ask. And please do not be mad at me if I am just not as optimistic and fun as usual. I just need to make up my mind but to be honest I don't really know where to start.

Maybe realizing this painful fact about losing someone you never wanted to lose is a good start. Maybe seeing yourself completely down praying to be a better person is a good start. Maybe falling asleep with the feeling of how easier would it be if I never had to wake up again is a good start. Maybe not. I wish I knew.

I woke up this morning feeling like a completely empty human being. Not even that maybe. As crazy as it sounds I felt suicidal. Very suicidal. I took a long walk with my dog, had a couple glasses of wine and invited an old friend to have a little chat. Of course I am not going to kill myself (sorry all my haters, maybe next time) but sometimes I just feel like it would make everything so much easier.

I wish there was not the distance. And time.

I wish.

I wish to be a better person.

shit & luck.

Ok so now it's been exactly two weeks in the year twenty ten (I don't care if this is wrong, I just love saying twenty ten).

It's Nathan's 17th birthday today - whoot whoot!!! :)

I didn't really make any resolution this year except that I really wanted to study more and get ready for ToEFL and my graduation exam.

And to be honest - I did it!!!

(Even though my English teacher keeps saying that I am wasting my potential - ok sorry mr. but it's just fun reminding you).

I really really really started to study like everyday (not like the whole day everyday but I really do study every day).

I started with my ToEFL Sunday before the school started and since I got max points in the test you take before you even open the book I was quite content and I started to focus more on my school work. And I kinda love it. I love the feeling of being prepred for the test and not experiencing that "what??? test??? nooooooo!!!" situation anymore.

What came surprisingly but sort of naturally with the "NERD ME" was the "HEALTHY ME".

I started preparing my breakfasts, snacks and lunches, I started swimming again (finally after all those crazy antibiotics) and haven't had any sweets or soda in forever. I don't really know why, it just happened. And I can't complain :)

Well just to sum it up the past two weeks (first two weeks of the twenty ten) were focused on ME basically. And I think it's such an important thing to do sometimes (especially if you haven't done that in ages).

But I wanted to focus my post on higher powers (yaaay). Brian aksed me to hang out the other night and so we had a glass of wine together and it was actually a really good night.

We talked a lot about all random things and when we somehow got to the "higher power" topic, Brian said one very interesting thought:

"There is no higher power. It's all just coincidences. Coincidences happen and if it turns bad for you you call it shit and if it turns good you call it luck."

To be honest I've been thinking about it since he told me. Of course the naive little girl inside of me wants to believe that the THING was NOT just coincidence, that it was meant to happen for one very special reason but on the other hand the big mature girl knows that Brian was probably right.

What if there is no "I know it means something bigger... much bigger" ???

What if we all just blindly believe that the way we met was so special that we need to get married someday or that the super special guy we talked to for few hours is the one because we are just scared to admit that the way we met was just a stupid coincidence and we liked that special guy just because we never had enough time to find out how annoying and not that very special anymore he really is???

I really wish Brian was not right. I still believe that there is meant to be and not just shit & luck coincidences. But I also wish I were that true to myself to be able to admit that sometimes it really is just a coincidence.

As Anaxagoras (yop nerdish me just studied some philosophy) and Sara Maria Campos Arias said - "Everything happens for a reason."

ps: just to make it clear - Anaxagoras might had been wrong but my Mexican sister??? No way!!!