distance and time.

One of my friends just sent me Distance and Time song and she was like "Hey this is an ideal song for you!!!". She was probably right. I was like yeah whatever but as I kept listening to it and thought a little deeper I realized that the song is pretty much (as creepy as it sounds) all my life. Not only the first plan of the song (you might think you know what the distance and time mean according to my situation - but - do not take me wrong - you have no idea).

After past couple days I feel like it's not meters or miles or inches that make the distance so distant, there doesn't have to be an ocean to make you feel faraway. Sometimes the person sitting next to you feels like thousand miles away. And it hurts especially if that person is someone who once used to be the closest and you feel like there's anything you can do to bring it back. I think I got stuck in the middle of space-time. I got stuck and I just wish I could jump (years) back and fix what I screwed. But that's not gonna happen and it probably is the right thing. You never realize until you lose.

The past week was an extremely rough one. And by rough I mean rough. I just saw things literally falling apart and I felt lost in the middle of nowhere. I tried to hide it, but I am just not such a good actress. I don't feel like talking about it. I don't feel like posting it online. I don't feel like giving you lessons about what really matters and what doesn't so you wont end up like I did. So please do not ask. And please do not be mad at me if I am just not as optimistic and fun as usual. I just need to make up my mind but to be honest I don't really know where to start.

Maybe realizing this painful fact about losing someone you never wanted to lose is a good start. Maybe seeing yourself completely down praying to be a better person is a good start. Maybe falling asleep with the feeling of how easier would it be if I never had to wake up again is a good start. Maybe not. I wish I knew.

I woke up this morning feeling like a completely empty human being. Not even that maybe. As crazy as it sounds I felt suicidal. Very suicidal. I took a long walk with my dog, had a couple glasses of wine and invited an old friend to have a little chat. Of course I am not going to kill myself (sorry all my haters, maybe next time) but sometimes I just feel like it would make everything so much easier.

I wish there was not the distance. And time.