goodbye oh nine.

I have been thinking about writting an 09 resume a lot lately.

Thinking about what this year actually meant in my life.

Was it good? Bad? Weird? Normal? Nothing special???

As I was looking for the right adjective I spent quite a lot of time going through the whole year and I realized that what pretty much made the whole year was Service Project.

The main theme of this year's Service Project was "TRANSFORMED" (yes we got a really cool sweatshirt that says so) and as cheesy as it sounds - according to that I would call my year "TRANSFORMING".

At the beginning of this year I was deffinately not a very good kid. I was dating a boy I probably never really cared about. I was just too lazy to change something so even though I always started those fights he never wanted to break up with me and it made me more and more lazy.

I was really scared about a school stuff because I skipped a lots of classes so I promised to myself not to skip anymore. But as soon as I kinda fixed my school reputation and I successfully survived the first semester I skipped again. Who would had thought that it was my very last skipping. I went snowboarding with some of my classmates and that was the exact day when I broke my knee. I destroyed it actually. And that was how the whole transformation process started.

Believe it or not you realize a lot when you spend your 18th birthday in a hospital waiting for a surgery.

You realize a lot when you hear your doctor telling you that you can never dance again.

You realize a lot when you wake up all sweaty after those crazy dreams in which your accident happens again and again. And you realize a lot seeing who came to visit you while you were literally disabled for more than 2 months.

The only nice thing that happened while my knee was broken was when my boyfriend took me to London. Yes it was a nice week. Probably the only week in the whole 15-month relationship when I felt like I really feel something.

Right after my knee got a little better and I could walk again I went to the Service Project.

I don't need to tell you how much I love spending time there. How good does it make me feel. But this year Service Project meant a little more for me than before. This year's Service Project speaker Craig (I know this is going to sound really really lame but...) he literally spoke my mind. Literally. When he talked about relationships that are not worth being in, when he talked about all the faith stuff and a lot of other things... he even made me cry! Not only that I was laughing super loud whenever he told a joke, he also made me think about my life so deeply that it made me cry.

I also got to know a lot of amazing people I never want to lose contact with. I miss you all, I miss my first ESL group - Maggie, Margaret, Paula, I miss all the dancers - Jason, Camille, Kori, I miss all the leaders and staff - thank you so much for everything, I miss our cool translators group, I miss Scott being crazy and not liking me at the first place, I miss Sean, Bryan, Jim, Dawn, I miss sharing my room with Tyna - extremely funny experience that made us closer than ever before, I miss Nathaniel the chalk board boy who always came late for breakfast just like me and who always knew how to make me smile... I miss it all.

After I came back from Service Project I felt so transformed that I had to transform my whole everyday life. I broke up with the boy I never loved, I started to spend much more time with people who are worth it, I did all the amazing work for the Invisible Children, I set up my very firt big choreography even though it was not easy with my knee.. but as the time went by I started to lose all that Service Project fresh air. I was slowly falling back to the way I used to be and a lot of people helped it. And that was the biggest mistake of my life and I know it. I didn't go to the internship in Germany, I spent a huge amount of money on stupid things, I got back together with that boy, I broke up with him again, experienced things that I am not very proud of and in the middle of the summer I ended up all sick, tired, cheated and surrounded by fake people who lied to me the whole time. Not a good feeling friends, not a good feeling.

I hoped that Service Project in Bulgaria would be the best chance to start over but I couldn't go. Dang it!

But something amazing happened. I went to Mannheim all alone to see all the Service Project kids again and ... that was another episode of my transformation process. I met a lot of amazing people, got even closer with those I knew before, understood a little more about an army life and completely changed my whole point of view.

Considering my life, my friends, people around, future, everything.

And since then I've been living the life I've always wanted to live. I only surround myself with people I truly care about. Most of them are people I've known since I was a little kid. I know they are here for me 24/7 just like I am here for them. I know they are real, I know they live a real life and they don't need to pretend anything. I love them.

I work a lot but it's that kind of work that makes me not only content but also proud.

And that's a really good feeling.

I focus on future much more than I used to before, I believe in my own strenght, I believe that I am the one responsible for what's going to come.

And since this Christmas is over and there's only one day left till the 2010 is here I am very glad to admit that the past 4 months have been the best months of this year, probably of my whole recent life. Of course it's not always easy, of course I've been struggling a lot and sometimes I just feel like the whole world is just a crap but I hear people around telling me that me and my optimistic point of view about life makes them feel much better and stronger. And that's something that always moves me forward.

Even though I don't always feel that strong myself I know that I should make people around me to feel so. I can survive struggling, I would say I am a strong person inside but I don't want people around me to struggle. Because I love them too much.

And even though I lost my father and some other not very possitive things have been going on lately, I still know that the whole life is exactly the life we create.

It's up to us to create it and it's up to us to live it.

And this is what makes me stonger and stronger.

I have been cheated, lied to, forgotten, gossiped, broken (physically and psychically), hurt and punched down, I cheated, lied, gossiped and broke too many times in one year but I have also been loved, cared about, helped, admired and blessed.

And probably the most important thing is that I found out what love is. Now it's not only the friends-family kind of love I experience.

Now it's also the real LOVE. And even though I know it's not meant to happen now and I don't know if it ever will be, I know I am able to have true and deep feelings for someone.

And this is what matters, this is something that has made my life SO worth living!!!

I would love to thank everyone who made this year so special.

All the people I got to know during this year and made even a little change in my life, all the Service Project people, Mannheim people, Invisible Children team, all my friends (I am sure you all know, I hope I'm letting you know enough), Young Life people, my family, my class... and I would love to thank everyone who's been helping me to make my dream future becoming a real future. Especially my mum, my sisters and Ron and Marci from OWU.

Thank you everyone. I wish you happy happy New Year full of amazing dreams coming true!!!

And thank you year 2009 for moving me to this exact place and state of mind.

It was not easy but it was deffinately worth it!

Goodbye 2009.

Hello 2010.

what to do.

So... few days ago we had a sleepover with Tyna. Really nice one. We made those cool journals, we skyped Martin (yes man he's funny even through skype - his summer photo literally laughed our a**** off), baked muffins and had fun in general. In the morning I slept like a little baby while Tyna had some meetings and when she got back home 10ish we had a breakfast. In bed (as weird as it sounds, bed is an important place in my story).
So we ate some cereals and muffins, drank our coffee and talked.
Kinda deep conversation considering the fact that I just woke up.

In the middle of the conversation Tyna asked me:
"Hey! Seriously... what are we gonna do in our lives?".
I looked at her and I was like "What do you mean... save the world of course!"
And she was like: "Yeah sure... but I mean like... seriously..."
And then I got it. What if we keep dreaming. What if Africa is just one big dream. What if San Diego is just a big dream. Oklahoma. Travelling the world.
So I said: "Well... we might get stuck here. Be like normal people, living normal life, having a regular job, car and a partner we don't really love but we don't mind living with... and keep dreaming about those things we used to dream about when we were twentysomething. About saving the world. But this is not gonna happen. This is just something that scares us to death. So let's keep it secret!!!".
We kept talking about what we need to do. How we should stop the whole procrastination thing. Stop rolling in a bed and wake up and DO something!


Yes, DO is the key word. I mean I keep writting down my "TO DO" lists. I have tons of them in my room. In each of my journal there is at least 10 pages of "what to do" (considering the fact that I have three different journals it's kinda scary).
I even have those tiny teeny sticky papers and I keep sticking them all over the place just not to forget what I need to do.
But... honestly... it doesn't matter how many lists do you write, it doesn't matter how many journals, notebooks or agendas you own, it doesn't matter how many people pressure you to do it - it is ALWAYS up to you. You are the one and the only person who can do something about it.
And I really want my dreams to come true. No. Want is not the right word. I need my dreams to come true and I am SO READY to pay the price to make them come true.



Here comes the thing. Since me and my father got in a big fight (yes really big one) I decided that I don't want anything from him anymore. I really do not want to be a little spoiled girl, I want to stand up on my own feet and be responsible of myself. So... I'm not getting new shiny sweet MacBook. Not until I make the money to buy it. I am paying my crazy phone bills for myself (I know it's not going to be easy but at least it will teach me to calm down), I'm taughtering extra two college students since January to make three times as much money as I make now. So please!!! If you are my true friend... do NOT ask me to join you for a lunch, massage or not even a coffee... at least not in January. It is going to be a rough month. I have an astronomical phone bill to pay and I would love to manage it on my own without asking my parents to pay for me.


And... another thing is - I'm done with the "to do" part. I only want to do the "do" part.
Of course I still need my journals and my tiny teeny sticky papers. But this time I'm going to actually DO what's written on the TO DO. I know this sounds a little new years-ish but this has nothing to do with New Year's. This has a lot to do with me.
And since there is an actual chance to go to OWU and really DO IT, I feel like this is what I need. Really. And even though I'm going to pay my bills by myself and maybe staying home alone friday night cause I wont have the money to party the whole night, I know that I'm not going to stay all alone by myself. I know there's someone watching over me. And this is a great relief. Much better than the material one.


(Just to finish the morning story... in the middle of our conversation Tyna fell asleep. Very very asleep. So I took a shower, cleaned the place a little, wrote a little message for Tyna and went home working on my dance classes music. It felt really good.)

Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it.

Christmas no1

There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you...

angels.

my angel-ish life in points:

- Advent Full Of Angels - amazing!!! awesome!!! wonderful!!! great!!! not only that the dance I set up was (almost - let's be a little modest) perfect but also everything else worked out!!! worked out??? man we ROCKED!!! yay for the Invisible Children Czech Republic!!! (yes it all makes me really proud. getting people involved, getting all the money, listening to the powerful people admiring our work, reading Ami's letter... it seems like all the hardwork is finally paying off).



- me being an angel - I love St. Nicolas' because it's like really old and Czech and one of my favourites! it's not as commercialized as St Valentine's day or Halloween and that's why I love it. the only sad thing about this year's St. Nicolas' was that I didn't get any candies, fruits not even potatoes or coal. my mum just gave me some money and said that I'm too old to spend the whole day waiting for St. Nicolas. it made me feel sad but when I saw my little sister enjoying all the candies she got in her stocking I realized that this is the important thing - to see her happy made me happier than all the candies in the world (and yes I saved my body from thousands and thousands calories :). monday after the St. Nicolas' weekend me, Nath and FiHa guys went somewhere outside the town to do a St. Nicolas' show for a bunch of little kids... and as Filip told me "it's so obvious that you love kids so much"... I enjoyed it a lot!!! I was a little angel and my legacy was to make all the children smile and give them candies. I loved it! they thought I was a real angel and it made me feel like I really was one :)

- lost angel - Kristýnka the little princess I've been taking care of for the past three months in the orphanage - they just took her away from me because of some stupid mistake that somebody else made. I had to say goodbye to her and saw her crying for me. I miss her so much. I got a little boy to take care of instead of her. his name is Samuel and he's a sweet kid but he's just a little too young so I can't talk to him a lot, he never talks to me, he keeps screaming and jumping and running around so after two hours with him I feel like a lemon.. with no juice inside. I hope to get my little angel back and if that doesn't work I need to pray for myself to be strong and learn how to work things out with Samuel the wild kid.

- angel of my life - my little sister. for the past few days she's been the only person I can fully rely on. she makes me smile during our popcorn and Kofola parties while adults are gone. she takes care of me now when I am sick again. she cuddles me when I feel sad. she gives me all those cute little gifts to make me feel better... I've been going through some rough things lately and she's the only one who knows and cares. yes she is an angel. a real one!

"We are like children, who stand in need of masters to enlighten us and direct us; God has provided for this, by appointing his angels to be our teachers and guides."

- Thomas Aquina

find your own way

and DO IT!!!

random.

I love those random things that happen in people's lives. What I love the most is when I find out that my mind is working exactly the same way as someone else's mind. It's probably one of the things I'll never understand.

Some of those things have happened to me quite often lately. Let me explain.

I'll start with yesterday. By the time I was going back home after wonderful time we had at Tyna's (yes I think that having 2-hour-long skype conversation with Irenka -who by the way seemed to me like chilling in the same bed, not 400km away-, eating popcorn, gossiping and having fun is WONDERFUL!!!... and honestly... who doesn't???) I was thinking about how happy I am. Listening to my favourite Bjork's song (which made me and Tyna laugh really loud on friday - we've had so much fun lately!!!) and thinking about everything that is going on in my life I just thought - I need to post some really cool status on facebook tonight (ok I am a facebook addict and I don't care!!!).
So when I came home... the first thing that came to my mind was that "happy" status I posted. Here comes the awesomness (is that an actual word???) of my story... just as I posted it I saw Tyna's status saying "happy" and I thought... oh my gosh that's so awesome!!! We posted the exact same status at the exact same time (well acutally Tyna was like 3 minutes faster but I didn't know cause my facebook is just a little slow with all the updates). And even more awesome is that we were happy for the exact same reason... and we both know the reason.. actually all three of us know, right Irenka? :)



***

Second random thing that happened was the movie I watched yesterday.
I know it's not that random for a lame teenager like me to watch a movie... but this one was somehow special. I mean... it made me think. Which is not the "special" part of it... the special part of it is that it was a cheesy story full of typical american drama and it still made me think.
There was a scene when a really handsome guy came to a bar or café or whatever that was, dressed up like a stinky homeless and he told the waitress "you're very pretty". She said something like "I don't think so..." so he said it again and took off his stinky clothes and turns out he happened to be her virtual boyfriend she was supposed to meet but she ran away because she thought he's too handsome to even consider her being his virtual love. (I really like the quote "If you don't want him to judge you by your look why are you doing that to him???". ) And so they started kissing and blah blah blah... you know.
But... the point is... that was so romantic!!! He came to see her even though she made him waiting for hours and she never showed up. He gave her a rose and told her how pretty is she (no she was not pretty, let's be honest here)... and I ask...
Why do we live in such a non-romantic world??? Why there's no traveling through the whole country? No surprising situations, no spontaneous decisions, no randomness, no romance???
Where did all that go???
Why does every relationship end up (after a certain time) as a "hey let's watch some movie!"??? Why does romantic dinner end up as a "hey let's buy some chips!"???
And no, by romance I do not mean stuffed animals and poetry reading...
I mean the spontaneous romantic randomness that makes two people closer and closer... Gosh!!!


I've been thinking (and talking) about this the whole day and I'll probably will for another couple days... and I'm glad I have amazing girlfriends to talk to at school. Yes I love our crazy discussions! And I love having coffee and smarties mcflurry with David and talking about all that with him... he's a great friend!


***

Third and the last thing for today is very related to both previous. It just happened few minutes ago. I saw that thing... let's call it "THE THING"... that really hurt me. I mean... I kinda expected that and I knew it was coming but even if you expect horrible things to happen it doesn't hurt you less when they're here. So I read THE THING and I felt broken. It just hurt me like a stab. And so I told J. about it on icq, we were talking about it, I thought about it deeply for a while and as I was typing "time to move on" she just sent me "time to move on".
Just like that.
English. No Czech.
Just the simple TIME TO MOVE ON.
And I guess she's right. Very right (ok she's always right, that's why I love her so much).
And so.. it's time to move on. Finally.


And so related to the first thing... I am happy because of many reasons but one of them is that there's a boy in my life. We've spent a lot of time lately... just talking and having fun. And he slowly became from the guy I couldn't stand to the guy I'd tell pretty much anything. He's filling the very last empty space in my life... and I have to admit that he's doing pretty good job.
I don't want to rush anything, my last realtionship was just an enormous mistake and here comes the relation to the second thing actually. I want this to be different. I want it to be somehow special, not just "being in relationhsip" on facebook, watching movies and eating chips. I am not officially in a relationship and I'm not even thinking about it... I just really want to spend more time with a boy who took me to the city hall tower for the first time in my life just to "get over things", who rushed through the whole city at 2am just to see me in my senior dance dress, who can play pokemons and spongebob cards with my little sister the whole afternoon and actually enjoy it.. that's what I want right now! I really do!

Please pray for me so I wont get stupid or crazy or just "myself-ish" and wont screw it all at the very beginning. Thanks :)


***


Btw I love Irenka and Tyna. But I guess you know already.

Btw2 I love B. and J. and Veronika. But I guess that's anoter thing you already know.

Btw3 I love having coffee with David. Not just because he's cool so I feel really cool too sitting next to him.

Btw4 You should watch the Ten Inch Hero. I love it!

Btw5 I'm going to Vienna with J. and her dad. Yes the hot sinlge 40year-old dad with Jaguar car who keeps asking for my number. I guess we're gonna have fun there !!! jk. Well... not really :D

Btw6 Love you my blog followers. Good night!

well.

I really wanted to write some interesting blog.
But I feel completely empty.
I mean... I need an inspiration.
I'm desperately sick, drinking too many coldrex hot drinks, eating tons of pills and falling asleep every hour. Gosh!
I watched a really good movie few hours ago.
But I just don't feel that inspirated to actually write something.
I guess I'm falling asleep again..
I need something BIG to happen. Really. I mean it.
Hopefully my senior dance that we call "ribbon party" will be the thing. Or at least partly.
Thanks everyone who's been praying for me to feel better. I really need it.
Thank you.



I'm uploading some pics... from the past few weeks.
I've been really busy and there's a lots of event I could write about, but I just don't feel like doing it right now. I'm sick :(

But you should know that I rode a horse!!! Yes!!!
And I really love Ashley's kitty called Tilly. Even though I usually hate cats, Tilly stole my heart.
And I curved my first pumpkin. Her name was Cecillia and yes she was a beauty.
And I think (as cocky as it might sound) that the choreography I'm currently working on is going to be really really good one!!!

el-oh-vee-ee.

Friday 13th was TWLOHA day.
Day full of spreading love.
I felt love all around.
When I spent my time in the orphanage with Kristynka again.
When I met all the young life people.
When me, Irenka and Tyna had an amazing time together.
When we danced all night with tons of random people.
When I felt like everything is just perfect.

el-oh-vee-ee.

How are you?

So Kevin asked me very simple question today. "How are you?".
People ask this question all the time. "Hey dude what's up, how are you doin?"
But nobody really cares about the answer. And if they do they expect you to be negative.
This is how it goes in Czech. If people ask you how are you doing you are supposed to say "Mhmm could have been better" or "not really good actually."
Cause if you honestly say "Hey I am great!!! I'm doing really good at school, I have the best friends in the world and my family is making me really happy" it means that you're showing off and you want to make people jealous.
That's the reason why I'm done with howareyou questions.
When I'm doing really bad I usually don't want a lot of people to know. I'm not that kind of person, I don't want everyone to feel sorry for me. And I know people know how to hurt you when you are not strong enough to defend yourself.
And when I'm doing really good.. I need to talk about it a little more than just answer the howareyou question.

But actually I've been thinking about this "howareyou" problem a lot lately.
It's really funny and ironic but for the past few weeks (or even months) I've been doing really good. I mean it. Of course I have a bad days, couple of fights and other problems but if I'd write down my +/- list it would be pretty positive.
But at the same time it seems like my life is a one big bad luck for the past two or three weeks. Seriously!
Everytime I come to the bus stop I see the bus leaving. Everytime!!! I always forget my wallet at home, I'm loosing my keys and my cellphone 2 times a day (on an average), I spent 4 hours in two days waiting in an office to get one stupid certification and they always told me that the system failed, when I'm finally lucky enough to catch my bus I always forget to get off at the right place, I get lost at the places and I have to ask people to help me, my cellphone dies every single time I actually NEED it... it's all creepy!!! But I'm having so much fun. Honestly! It makes me smile. I feel like Jepichodov character in Checkov's play The Cherry Orchard.
It seems to be my destiny.
Yes I don't really enjoy missing my bus three times a day but it doesn't ruin my life (at least I hope) so it's fun.

But let's get to the point. I realized that I am really happy. I mean it. I have a lot of work to do and that work makes me really happy. I enjoy every minute thinking about the choreography I'm working on. I got together the best dancers I could ever prayed for and we have a lot of fun working on it. I have no problem with my family and friends I see their love every single minute and dude that's so awesome! It really is!!! I love when people ask me for help or when they offer me to join some interesting project, I love playing mikado and watching spongebob with my little sister and I love singing and reading her "An Awesome Book". I love singing and dancing in the night when I'm walking my dog. I love bringing yummi things to school so it can make our rough day not that rough. I love my week being really busy, I love not having a day off (of course I need it sometimes but that actually makes it so special). I am just enjoying my life. Not 100% but 10000%. I haven't had a sleepless night for more then 3 months probably because I just always fall asleep immediately after an amazing busy day.
And what breaks my heart is that people are too scared or just to blind to admit that their life is pretty amazing too. That they should be really happy and enjoy every minute of it.

I fully realized this friday. I spent two hours volunteering in an orphanage as every friday.
But this friday I took care of a little girl named Kristyna (just like my little sister).
She is one of the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. She has big blue eyes, smooth blonde hair and an angel face. She's 4 years old and man... she is the sweetest and the most grateful kid I've ever seen. Those two hours we spent by reading books, painting and playing boardgames seemed like ten minutes to me. And when I had to leave her crying and asking me if I'm ever coming back it just broke my heart.
Literally.
Wonderful beautiful child like her was begging me not to leave her...

And I'm asking you. All of you people who keep complaining about your cellphones, about your computers, about your job, about your partner, about your parents...
How are you? Are you really that bad? Would you beg a strange girl to come to see you again cause you have nobody else in this world? No??
Where the heck is the problem then???

I am sorry for being offensive.. but this just breaks my heart. I am not saying that I am perfect. Nobody is. I know I've done a lot of really bad things in my life and some of them are still showing up even though I'm really trying to forget and never do them again. But as one wise boy said "That's my history and I can't change it. It's a part of me."
This is exactly how I feel. I'm really sorry for all the bad things I've done. I am.
I could spend whole day apologizing and it would still not be enough.
I can't change what happened. I could never join those facebook groups like "I hate liars" or
"I hate bitches who cheat" cause I've been there.
But I can try not to do those things again.
Be honest to myself. Be good. Be happy.

And when somebody asks me "How are you?" the answer will be "Great!".
I'm pretty sure about that.

THIS IS IT

I don't know where to start. I hardly breathe, my eyes burn and my stomach hurts.

Let’s start from the beginning. I’m not going to talk about what a MJ fan I am.You could have seen thousands of people saying „I’ve always loved you Michael“ after he died. But honestly… how many of those people loved him when he was called rapist, pedophile,drug addict or jacko wacko??? Think about it.

Anyways… I remember June 25th. It was Thursday. I skipped school that week because of my ear infection but I felt like going out that day. So we hung out with FiHa and 7ish – 8ish pm we decided to get some drink (hot mango juice actually) in the Co Kdyby bar. It was about 9 pm when they played MJ’s The Earth Song. We all started to talk about him and made fun of Petr because of his „I-am-hanging-in-the-door-screaming-like-Michael-Jackson-and-saving-our-planet“ childhood memory and me and Tyna promised one another that the only thing we need to do until we die is to see him live. What an irony.

Few songs later we decided to go to some open-air party in a village outside the town which was really cool, we had a lot of fun, six people in one car going through the whole town and Tyna driving (right after she got her licence). On our way back around 1am my friend Jirka called me. He sounded pretty lonely while he talked about movie he was watching but I was kinda busy trying to keep my balance in the car so I told him to call me another time. Then we went to Tesco, bought some candies and stuff and just sat outside, played Big Buddy and had fun when suddenly my cell started to ring again (MJ’s You Rock My World - I love this song). Jirka again. I thought 'why the heck is he calling me at 2 am???' So I picked up and asked „Ok you must be really drunk or really depressed buddy so what's up???“ when he said „Jackson is dead!“. I didn’t really understand what he meant so I was like yeah dude you’re funny. But then he said I should check out the Internet. I did. I called and texted my closest friends and family. I just couldn’t believe it. All of us stopped talking. Dalík went to buy a bottle of Pepsi but we didn’t drink it.

We just sat out there and didn’t talk just listened to his songs on Tyna’s iPhone.

She drove us all home around 4am and before I fell asleep I told God „Please tell me this is not true.“ It was.

When my mom told me about a month ago that she bought me those tickets to see that big documentary show I thought „ok… it might be an epic fail, simple hunger after money or it might be an unforgettable experience".

You’ll figure.

Well… I sat there at my comfy place in Cinestar. And then it started. Some dancers talking about working with MJ. I knew almost all of them cause those are really the best dancers in the world. And then, the last dancer talking was Misha Gabriel. Oh my gosh I thought. He looks exactly the same as last year when I met him. When I talked to him. When he asked me how does it feel to live in Czechoslovakia and when he gave me his cellphone (t-mob sidekick btw) to save my number there. Just to make it clear it was Street Dance Camp Europe 2008 in Jedovnice Czech Republic. It’s one of the most important events in the world of dance. I was so excited about that and I could tell you tons of stories but that’s not the point now. Misha Gabriel was one of the biggest stars coming. When I saw him at the first time I couldn’t breathe. I just thought „Oh my gosh he’s real. The best choreographer in the world is real.“ Yes he was. He came to our table, sat down and we talked.

I found out that even the best choreographer in the world is a real person. Human being just like me. He was actually high and drunk and when I made fun of him he didn’t really get it.

And then I see him here on the screen talking about how he’s been searching his whole life for something that is worth it. And how this whole experience with MJ is it. „This is it“ he said. The guy I could pretty much have possibly lost my virginity with (I wouldn’t be the only one there by the way) was almost crying talking about finding the meaning of his life. Wow.

[me and Misha Gabriel]

[me and Marty Kudelka]

And then it started. First tone. My body started shaking. His face. I stopped breathing. His words. I cried. I just cried. I don’t know how to describe it. You really need to see that movie to understand it. Whatever you think about Michael Jackson. Whatever conspirative theory you believe in, that he was a freak sleeping in vacuum casket throwing his own kids out of the window… you have to admit that this man was the KING. And after you watch this movie… you have to admit that he still IS.

***

First thing I want to talk about is his dance. I think I could say I know a lot about dance. I love to dance, I love to watch other people danicng, I love to learn new routines and I love to make some too. I saw a lots of amazing dancers, the best in the world. They taught me a lot and nobody could ever take that away from me.

MJ had the best dancers behind his back. Those young people are just amazing. You can’t really believe that it’s „just“ a dance what they are doing. They fly. But honestly… they SUCK. The best dancers in the universe SUCK compared to the King.

Imagine 50-year-old skinny man popping, locking, break dancing in the middle of twentysomething hot guys… sounds funny? Yes. Imagine MJ doing that… WONDERFUL. His pop is not just pop. It’s an electricity flowing through his whole body. His flow is not just flow. It’s a smooth miracle that makes him fly. When he twists it feels like a tornado. I remember my rehearsals before every competition or a show. I sweated. I couldn’t breathe. I was so exhausted that I cried. Yes, honestly I cried. But that was nothing compared to what MJ did. All the spot lights, crazy costumes, pressure about media, fans, money. It’s not a reahearsal, it’s a creation.

He doesn’t move – he creates the movement. He teaches his dancers and they follow him and adore him just „like in churche“. [MJ’s staff quoted]. Even though it’s not their time on the stage they stand down there and watch him, scream and rejoice.

„I love you“ he says. And I know he means it.

Another thing is his music. It’s not just a singer we’re talking about. It’s a musician. He feels every tone and every beat. He feels what is and what is not right and he works hard and repeats again and again until it’s perfect. And by perfect I mean PERFECT. When he sings you never hear any false tone. Any. He says he’s saving his chords and his voice but you couldn’t hear that. You can only hear him enjoying every single moment, creating something unbelievably smooth, musical and wonderful. I’ve always known that the King of pop is a great singer. But I never knew that he could be a guitar player, drummer or a pianist just as wondeful.

***

Third thing is the show. All the dancers, vocalists, band, lighting, costumes… WOW.

It’s not about him only. It’s about the whole world he creates around. Every single song is a different showcase. Every single choreography, background, costume, spot light… it makes you wonder „HOW?“. How is that possible? How is it possible to do that? All those miracles that happens while performing Thriller, The Earth Song, Smooth Criminal, The Way You Make Me Feel, Black Or White or Beat It??? Where did these ideas come from? How is it possible? Is it even possible? Yes it is. Well… it was meant to be.

And the last and the most important thing is MJ himself. According to all those gossips you would expect to see a confused, depressed drug addict who’s deffinately not able to work that show out. But what you see is a strong powerful man enjoying everything he creates. He’s having so much fun, laughing, dancing and making jokes.

But what impressed me the most was his humbleness and awe. Everytime he asks for something or he wants to change something it makes you feel „Hey who’s that guy? Is that the King???“.

It is not very usual to hear one of the greatest musicians in the world saying „Could you please change that a little? Please? Oh thank you. Thank you very much. You are wonderful. God bless you.“

No this is deffinately not the guy we know from the newspapers.

And that’s why people love him. He is so special, talented, hard-working, supportive and inspiring. He would do anything for people around him and especially for his fans. He works so hard to make it not just as good as possible but to make it the best. The best show, the best experience in your life. Every move, tone and word inspires you in every single way. And when he makes his speech to the whole crew and says

„We are family. Just know that. I love you.“

...you know that it’s not just his tongue but his heart speaking.

I am not going to say what an amazing experience the whole movie was. How inspiring, breathtaking and unbelieveble. I just thought… (ok I do not believe in any conspirative theories, I’m sure Elvis is dead and we are not gonna die in 2012)… I just thought he could not die. Not naturally. He was so happy, strong and content. He couldn’t wait to see his fans again, to make them listen, sing, dance, cry and smile. Why would God ever wanted him to die? Why in that time, when he was just about to change the whole world, he was just about to give us hope and faith, faith in God, in change and a new beginning??? I don’t know. Nobody knows. I just know that the man I saw on the screen was not ready to die. He was not ready to leave his work not finished and his fans waiting.

He wanted to change the world or at least try.

I wonder why he didn’t get the chance…

When I heard the first tones of „Man In The Mirror“ I cried so bad. I felt those huge tears pouring down. Tears so hot that my face was almost burning. I have spent hours and hours in front of my mirror trying to make some routine to this song. It’s just never been good enough. And when I saw MJ singing

„I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways“

and dancing his little glassy dance I realized that it will never be good enough.

But I can try. I can try to do something, to take a look at myself and make the change. I’ve already started couple months ago but I’m not done yet. I want that change to be visible, powerful and amazing. I do want to make the world a better place.

And I believe that this is what he had always wanted to do. To help people realize what a wonderful place this world is, how powerful faith and love is…

I wish he got his chance. But maybe this movie is the chance.

„This is the moment. This is it.“

All I can say is – Go. Go watch it!

„It’s all for love. El oh vee ee.“

[Michael Jackson, 1958 - 2009]

bowling.

When I had no one to call
All the world had shut me down
I showed up at your door so blue
Thank God I had a friend like you.

I mean it!

Thank you.
Today, tomorrow, always.

hot coco.

Ok. I've been trying to post a new update lately but my life seems a little too busy. Like today, few minutes ago actually, I just layed on a sofa and I realized "jeez this is something I haven't done for a LOOONG time!".
But now I'm here, rolling in my bed, drinking my strawberry tea and typing... finally!

Well... I had tons of ideas during the week. I mean always when something nice, sad, depressing, awesome or just random happens to me, I just think "ok I need to write about this."
But I'm not.
I got my idea today.
I wanted tody to be my "I am not doing anything today" day. I mean... I thought about coming back from school around 4 and just chilling in my bed, watching Felicity, eating something super unhealthy and yummi. But my life doesn't really follows the plan.
I ended up joining English club at Bishop, having hot pear juice, working on Invisible Children event and shopping with Tyna and hanging out a little with Nikol.
Well... haning out with Nikol was the plan.
It all turned to be a little different.

After we finished our shopping with Tyna and drank our favourite yoghurt coffee I decided to walk her to the bus stop and then go to the meeting with my friend Nikol. But Tyna's bus just left while we were coming so we had to wait for the next one. And then it happened.

I saw a lots of kids walking down the boulevard with lanterns in their small hands all lost in their huge gloves wearing their tiny teeny beetle costumes. And man... I loved it.
But it made me feel so sad. I mean really sad.
I remembered when I was a kid living in that little village in the mountaines where we used to do things like that. When my mom would read me "Little Beatles" book and my sister would teach me everything about those magical beatles and we would just take a long walks in the evening, trying to see them and their little lanterns serving people and serving Lord.
And that was the feeling that sometimes shows up inside of my mind and my body... that feeling when I feel really blue and my body just doesn't really work and I just wish to be at home with my mum and my sisters, drinking my mum's hot coco and feeling safe.


Cause this is something I've missed too bad lately. After all that happened in my relationship, after all that happened with my knee, with my family, with school...
I just really need to feel safe.
If Tyna wasn't with me I would probably cry. I had to reschedule the meeting. I had to go home. I had to hug my little sister and tell her how much i love her and talk to my mom about those little beatles and drink a huge mug of hot coco and eat my mom's apple pie and doodle pirates and robots and flowers with my sister and read her a bed time story and kiss and hug her again... while we were painting I brought us two little bottles of an aloe vera drink and we cheered and painted againg when she just said...

"Hey you know what? We need to do this every day. Every day this time we will just cheer and have a little talk, ok sister?"

She smiled and I could see all her deciduous teeth and those funny spaces among them.
And in that exact moment I realized how lucky I am.


Even though I've been complaining a lot lately. About school, about my no chance to go to APU, about God not being any helpful in that "my future" question, about being hungry, about eating too much, about being too busy, about being super bored at school and blah blah blah. Please do NOT listen to me when I act like that. Just tell me
"You know what DUMB? Get some hot coco!".


Thank you!




Last week in points:

thursday - crazy. crazy crazy crazy. and busy. travelling through the whole city when there's no tram going as it should go. dealing with all those magisterial problems. work. rain. seeing people I didn't want to see. seeing my father who made me as angry, depressed and dissappointed as alway. paying my bills on time [for the first time]. having nice evening chocolate and wine conversation with my mum.

friday - getting those developed pictures I never wanted to develop. buying my favourite wtermelon water to calm down. chilling at Renky's, having fun. shopping with Renky, buying some really cool stuff and having a looots of FUN!!! watching that baseball movie. you know... it was a baseball movie haha. having fun with Renky the whole afternoon and evening.

saturday - library in the morning, feeling very inspired, reading the whole book, making chocolate pretzels with B., drinking mead and reading again.

sunday - baseball game. cool!!! even though we lost the game, we had so much fun. especially thanks to the "french" reporter haha. it was awesome!!!


monday - amazing, I mean AMAZING seminary about North Korea!!! I need to post special blog about that. and bible study with Kevin. which was partly sad, but very honest and helpful. Thank you!!!

yesterday - bible study at Ashley's. Yes I got into a little Juno-ish shape after eating all that salad, pasta, bagettes and brownies. YAAAY! and yes I think the Bread&Fish party at Jesus' ROCKS!!! [especially those 12 Jesus' bros and 5000 random dudes haha].
Thank you Ashley and Luke for being the best cooks
and the best tuesday evenings bible study leaders.

love, petra.

impossible.

I was supposed to sleep like 2 hours ago but I just couldn't fall asleep.
Which is really weird cause sleeping is the only activity I have no problem doing immediately and 24/7. [maybe I should add eating and rolling in my bed]

Whatever. I just listened to that random song and it slapped my face.
I'm so not going to sleep tonight.


I don't want to feel like I don't have a future.
I don't want to feel like it's an end of a summer.
Let's not fall back to sleep like we used to.
I don't want to wake up knowing I don't have a future.

Impossible. Your love is something I cannot remember.

I don't want to spend another day in this city.
I woke up thirsty, it's hard to go back you know.
Let's not fall back to sleep like we used to, do you remember?
I don't want to wake up knowing I don't have a future.

cry.

So I just cry.
After a long long time.
I kind of learned how to not cry very often and I was really good at all that non-crying thing.
I didn't cry when those really close people hurt me, lied to me or cheated on me.
I didn't cry when I hurt someone and I felt really bad about it.
I didn't even cry when my surgery happened with all that killing pain.

Now I just do. And I'm posting it online which makes it even more ridiculous.
If you would ask me questions about my life, you'd probably think I'm just broken idiot with no actual reason to act like a little emo kid.

I have an amazing family. Even though there's been a little too much going on lately and you'll probably never get a chance to hear me talking about it, I just love my family.
About a month ago I could see myself being a wonderful person when I hugged my mum and told her how amazing she is, my heroine who inspires me every single day of my life. Forever.
I could see her tears stop pouring at that moment and it made me feel like this was the greatest thing I've ever done in my life.

I have the best friends I could ever prayed for. They make my every second.
After all those years of searching for the cool friends, after all those years of making fun of outsiders and being an insider in every "society" I wanted, I realized that those real best friends have been around for the whole time.
Watching me acting like a total dumb, doing stupid things and hurting them again and again.
I am so sorry. You have no idea..
And I am so glad that Irenka is back in my life.
Cause when you lose something you don't realize it that well until you have it back and you experience it all again.
It makes you think "how could I ever let that happened?".
And when she texted me calling me her little angel at the exact moment I was thinking about her it assured me that this is so right.

I have a perfect job, I go to perfect school which is like the best school around, I have perfect hobbies, perfect YoungLife youth group, perfect classmates, there's couple of really nice guys around, I'm doing great job with the Invisible Children, my girls think I am an amazing dance teacher, I got a chance to be ADRA volunteer... so where the heck is the problem???

I don't know.
I think I just focus too much on something that may not be happening.
Maybe sometimes those things you want the most in your life [school, job, partner] are just not supposed to be a part of your life.

Maybe a school like APU is just a huge dream I've been dreaming for a long time... but maybe not every dream is meant to become true.
Maybe the boy is just not meant to be the boy for me.
Maybe this dream is just a little too big to be really turning into reality.

Maybe I should have plan B, plan C, plan D and some other plans B for plan B,C and D.
But I guess I'm just still a little kid and I'd better dream about something unrealistic and far away than to grab something real that's waiting for me right here.

I did that once. I gave up my dream and grabbed something that was easy to get.
I think that was the biggest mistake of my life and it makes me feel so freaking sad everytime it crosses my mind.

You see?
I have no reason to cry.
I'm being a silly little kid and I should make up my mind and face all that crap that's been showing up lately.

And by the way I'm so failing my math and physics tests tomorrow.



But please people.. if you have any extra minute in your life.. please pray for me and Tyna.
Pray for my college and for hers African experience.
Cause we've always fought for our dreams.
But as closer it seems as complicated it becomes.

Thank you so much.

Love, Petra Pan.

dear mr. president

So yesterday the whole world found out that president Obama won the NPP.
I've never wanted my blog to be related with policy. Ever.
I mean I really care about what's going on in this world and I love to talk about it [yes I love debates] but I just don't want to spam virtual world with every single thing that makes me angry.
Cause as you might know policy in this country has always been pretty crazy and it's not that hard to find something that makes you super angry.
And since I got really mad during the senat meeting in Prague this Monday I've decided not to talk about policy for a while.

***

But seriously people.. is this fair?
I mean I don't mind Barack Obama. He's never done anything to not win the NPP.
But he's actually never done anything to DO win it.
And I know it's not his fault and personally I think he's not that very happy about the prize but still it makes me a little sad.

***

Our expresident mr Vaclav Havel spent a long time fighting for peace and democracy not only in this country. He was arrested by communists, went through a lot in jail but he still believed in his dream and he kept finghting. Velvet Revolution was not only the end of 40year-long-lasting terror but it was also a new beginning.
New beginning for all of us, chance to start over.
I'm really glad there were and still are people like mr Havel.
Cause thanks to them I got a chance to be who I am.


He's been nominated three times already. He never won.
They said it was because he was still politically active.

***

I don't understand the whole Obama thing then.
It makes me feel like we should give the Nobel Prize in Medicine to someone who really wants to find HIV cure but hasn't even started yet... and it doesn't make sense.

205 people and organizations nominated.
Do you really think that mr Obama is the most active one?
Do you think he's the one who fights for peace 24/7???
I do not.

***

I found some really good quotes.


"It's a great success and appreciation of his theory about international relations, built not on confrontations but on action. ČSSD supports this policy with no doubts."
[Jiří Paroubek, ČSSD]

"Not very often there's a prize given for something that might happen in a future to someone who might potentially do it. But with the NPP it is surely possible. I would, 20 years after the Velvet Revolution, give this prize to Václav Havel, for being the most meaning person in changing eastern Europe. But after Yasser Arafat happened, the prize should be renamed."
[Mirek Topolánek, ODS]


Yes sir... that's [not only] why I vote ODS.

***

and now a little food for thought

"I think in sexual life we would call this 'coming too early'... and that's always kind of awkward."
[Miloš Čermák, journalist]