cry.

So I just cry.
After a long long time.
I kind of learned how to not cry very often and I was really good at all that non-crying thing.
I didn't cry when those really close people hurt me, lied to me or cheated on me.
I didn't cry when I hurt someone and I felt really bad about it.
I didn't even cry when my surgery happened with all that killing pain.

Now I just do. And I'm posting it online which makes it even more ridiculous.
If you would ask me questions about my life, you'd probably think I'm just broken idiot with no actual reason to act like a little emo kid.

I have an amazing family. Even though there's been a little too much going on lately and you'll probably never get a chance to hear me talking about it, I just love my family.
About a month ago I could see myself being a wonderful person when I hugged my mum and told her how amazing she is, my heroine who inspires me every single day of my life. Forever.
I could see her tears stop pouring at that moment and it made me feel like this was the greatest thing I've ever done in my life.

I have the best friends I could ever prayed for. They make my every second.
After all those years of searching for the cool friends, after all those years of making fun of outsiders and being an insider in every "society" I wanted, I realized that those real best friends have been around for the whole time.
Watching me acting like a total dumb, doing stupid things and hurting them again and again.
I am so sorry. You have no idea..
And I am so glad that Irenka is back in my life.
Cause when you lose something you don't realize it that well until you have it back and you experience it all again.
It makes you think "how could I ever let that happened?".
And when she texted me calling me her little angel at the exact moment I was thinking about her it assured me that this is so right.

I have a perfect job, I go to perfect school which is like the best school around, I have perfect hobbies, perfect YoungLife youth group, perfect classmates, there's couple of really nice guys around, I'm doing great job with the Invisible Children, my girls think I am an amazing dance teacher, I got a chance to be ADRA volunteer... so where the heck is the problem???

I don't know.
I think I just focus too much on something that may not be happening.
Maybe sometimes those things you want the most in your life [school, job, partner] are just not supposed to be a part of your life.

Maybe a school like APU is just a huge dream I've been dreaming for a long time... but maybe not every dream is meant to become true.
Maybe the boy is just not meant to be the boy for me.
Maybe this dream is just a little too big to be really turning into reality.

Maybe I should have plan B, plan C, plan D and some other plans B for plan B,C and D.
But I guess I'm just still a little kid and I'd better dream about something unrealistic and far away than to grab something real that's waiting for me right here.

I did that once. I gave up my dream and grabbed something that was easy to get.
I think that was the biggest mistake of my life and it makes me feel so freaking sad everytime it crosses my mind.

You see?
I have no reason to cry.
I'm being a silly little kid and I should make up my mind and face all that crap that's been showing up lately.

And by the way I'm so failing my math and physics tests tomorrow.



But please people.. if you have any extra minute in your life.. please pray for me and Tyna.
Pray for my college and for hers African experience.
Cause we've always fought for our dreams.
But as closer it seems as complicated it becomes.

Thank you so much.

Love, Petra Pan.