A lot has happened this week. People I thought were my friends (or at least they used to be few years ago) said a lot of bad things about me. And also people I've never even seen in my life.
I was called a hypocrite who does Invisible Children and other non-profits just to look good. That hurt. Why would I spent the hardest year of my life (graduation, college, all that being and not being in complicated relationship, all the family problems, all the health issues...) working so HARD on somethin just to look good? Oh come on!
First I got all mad and sad at the same time, I called my friends and I cried and I used a lot of inappropriate words and I felt like - why am I even doing all that if people think I only do it because I want to look good in their eyes??! I felt so not able to work with people anymore because they just hurt so bad sometimes. I felt like going to a desert island and living with wild animals would be the best choice for me.
But then after I talked to a lot of my friends and all the amazing people I am lucky to have around me, I realized that that's a bullshit (sorry).
I love doing it. I love doing Invisible Children even though it is not always easy. I really honestly from the bottom of my heart believe that there is a point in my work. I also love doing Adra, even though sometimes I cry for another few days. It's not easy to be there and see everything I see, but I guess I need it. As Steve Jobs said once "It was awful tasting medicine but I guess the patient needed it". Yes I am the patient. I would never ever realized how bad I love my family if I hadn't seen what I saw. I would never ever love the person I love if it was not that complicated. And I would never realize what a wonderful place this world is if there were not people trying to make hell out of it for me.
And so I stopped crying and I stopped being a little kid and I stood strong in that fight and I am ready to keep fighting for what I believe in. Call me whatever you want to call me - I do not care unless you are someone I love, someone I know very well and someone who knows me.
Life is never easy. It never was and it never will be. Whenever you feel like "Ok I think it's time for my life to get a little better" everything screws up in a minute. It gets even worse. Why? Because someone or something (call it what you want to call it) is trying to show us that things are never THAT bad. That it can always be worse. I had my head all crowded with those WHY? questions, I opened my last journal and read all those suicidal notes I wrote down when my life seemed really really bad (it was right after Christmas). I literally wrote down reasons why I should and should not wake up the other morning. Luckily there always was "Ok I might be waking up tomorrow morning" note. When I look back, I know how strong am I now. How the relationship with my parents, my sister and some of my friends grew stronger. How strong am I even though sometimes it seems like there's no point cause I don't know when the end is coming. My time is limited.
I tried to answer those questions but I knew I'm not able to do that. I'm just a human being and yes I still consider myself being a little child.
So I decided to go to Czech church today after like 4 months (shame on me!).
I was a little worried cause I basically can't stand service in Czech. I often fall asleep or something like that. But this time I felt amazing. I LOVED the speech, I loved Ashley being with me, I loved seeing all the people and I love realizing things. Even though the topic of the service was "conscience" I got all my answers. It made me think a lot about my own conscience, about forgiveness, friendship, love. I doodled my crazy notes (Ashley made fun of) and I keep reading them again and again and thinking. Thinking about how my own conscience sometimes gets unconscious. It was amazing. I am so going to church next week (and I am so dealing with that language bareer).
And so the summary of my post is - we all can judge very easily. We are amazing critics. But when it comes to our own life are we as critical as usual? Do we have the right to judge if we sin ourselves?? Do we have the right to call somebody hypocrite if we are hypocrites ourselves???
Think about it.
This is my Invisible Children promo pic. I need to show you since I am such a hypocrite.
(I became an official IC translator/ HS Wichterlovo / Arts and Media / Tour and screening manager... sounds cool doesn't it??? bahahaha hypocrite!)
Last thing to say - morning service made me think of upcoming Service Project a lot.
In not even a month I am going to meet a lot of interesting personalities, share room with my girls, have fun at the hotel, at schools, teach, translate and keep myself in my English mode 24/7. Yay!!!
(You know how happy does it make me there's no need to talk about it)
The only sad thing is that none of "my" bases is coming. I'm gonna miss you Vicenza and Mannheim. Even more sad is that my favourite Perry's family is not coming (cause they are not in Europe anymore:(..).
I'm going to miss Jim and Nathaniel of course :) But I got to talk to Jim today after all that crazy movingbacktothestates situation and I know they are both ok and happy and that's what matters :)
Service Project 08 historical movie we made the last day :D
(Stucky, Drew, me, Yamil, John Massey and JJ)
and this is us singing in the bus :)
Service Project 09 - me and Nathaniel :)
and now couple of very inspiring quotes:
"If today was the last day of my life would I want to do what I am about to do today? If the answer is NO too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."
"You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there."
"Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life."
(They are all Steve Jobs'. I simply love the last one.)
Have an amazing week.
Love, Petra.
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